1.
toddler: I’m really high friend: me: friend: me: He means tall
2.
Left my kids alone in the bathtub for literally 30 seconds only to find one of them eating out of the garbage can and the other eating out of the toilet.
3.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!? me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge? toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
4.
My son just asked me what decaf coffee was. I told him it was like Lucky Charms without any marshmallows. “Why in the world do they make such a thing?” he said. Parenting, y’all.
5.
8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog? Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself. 8yo:
6.
Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY Me: good job! Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES Me: i’m proud of you Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS Me: great Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES Me: wait what
7.
I guess my daughter is on team Belle.
8.
My 4yo talks a lot of smack for someone wearing crocs on the wrong feet.
9.
72% of my parenting is saying “Can you please just [INSERT LITERALLY ANY ACTION] like a normal person?”
10.
One of the great things about having kids is that even if you completely forget to set your alarm, they will guarantee that you never, ever oversleep.
11.
3: I'm too dizzy to go to the dentist Mommy. Me: That's not until tomorrow. 3: I'm gonna be dizzy then too. So now I'm taking lessons from her on how to get out of things.
12.
Before we had twins, my wife and I had no idea it was possible to completely ruin an entire clean house with a bowl of animal crackers and 2 sticks of string cheese.
13.
2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them
14.
If my daughter makes you a handmade Christmas card, just know that she used a random piece of trash she found in the grocery store parking lot, all the tape in the northern hemisphere, and enough glitter to fill a salt truck.
15.
BATHROOM. [I sit down in the bathroom. My son bursts in.] Me: What are you doing in here? Sebastian: I’m just ... knowing where you are. [He sings “Daddy are you done yet” to the tune of Happy Birthday on a loop until it is time for us both to leave. End of play.]
16.
Me: Did you miss me while you were at Grandma’s house? 6-year-old: She let us make cookies. Me: I missed you. 6: We ate them for breakfast. So that’s a no.
17.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings. Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier. Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
18.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
19.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
20.
A lone Sharpie lid: one of the most terrifying things a parent can find
21.
hiding-while-pooping is my favorite thing about toddlers. I didn't know it was a thing before kids. she creates a small, gated community or fort and you may not look at or speak to her for 10-15 mins. she will call for you, but it is a trick. you may not look.
22.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.
23.
today my eight-year-old son said ‘what if the tooth fairy was real and she was collecting the teeth to build an army of teeth-people’
24.
My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, "That's just 4 things." So she's basically a nonchalant motivational speaker.
25.
[Making macaroni and cheese] 5yo: I wanna put the cheese in! Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you VERY carefully pour this in? 5yo: *Just fucking waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*
26.
Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”
27.
First time parent: “I really don’t like when you do that.” Second time parent: “YOU’RE BEING A DICK.”
28.
My kid comes in the kitchen brushing her teeth. Me: Good Job Sally! I turn back to the sink Sally: Brush teeth! Brush teeth! I turn back around to see Sally finishing brushing the dog’s teeth & putting the toothbrush back in her mouth. Me: 😱🤮 The Dog: 😬
29.
3yo came into our bed last night & when my husband got up this morning she whispered, "Mommy, we have so much room now!" & then used my head as her pillow.
30.
Me: Remember where you put your socks that you were just wearing? 5yo: No, but remember 3 years ago when you told me I could have a puppy when I turn 10?
31.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
32.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say? toddler: Finally
33.
Me: What did you do at school today? 5-year-old: Learned about dragons. Me: Your class learned about dragons? 5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
34.
Pumpkin patches, so you can pay $50 for kids activities like “here, pet this goat” and “chip your tooth in this overcrowded bouncy house.”
35.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time. 6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
36.
If you’ve ever walked around your house & thought to yourself, “I wish there was a way for all the toilets to be unflushed all the time,” I highly recommend having children.
37.
*finally gets gloves on toddler correctly* *dies of old age*
38.
Pro tip: Unless you want a giant cup of water dumped outside of your tub, don't give your kids a giant cup in the tub.
39.
Wife: we only have 30 minutes before the kids wake up. Me: [blushes] I wonder what we could do that takes 30 minutes or less. Wife: pizza? Me: [nods] pizza.
40.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
41.
The recipe for disaster: 1) Have kids
42.
Giving your kids crackers is a lot like putting wood in a chipper shredder.
43.
Tried to cut my 3yo’s bangs today. Our Thanksgiving family pictures will best be described as “unfortunate” this year.
44.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 76 minutes.
45.
Every single conversation I have with my kids
46.
Me: What do you want for a snack? 4-year-old: Spaghetti. Me: That's not a snack. 4: It is if you just make a little bit.
47.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!? 3yo: *sneezes*
48.
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler: - can’t drive - doesn’t know what day it is - refuses to put on pants - won’t shut up about dinosaurs
49.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight? 7yo: 100 Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6 7yo (thinking): 30
50.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
51.
Me: Looks like it's time to play everyone's favorite game! Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly* Husband: No one wants to help you find your glasses.
52.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
53.
Letting my kid watch Jurassic Park for the first time. Me: This came out in 1993. This came out when *I* was *your* age. Kid: Oh, like when the dinosaurs were really still around?
54.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
55.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
56.
Pretty sure I could get my kid to do practically anything as long as they think I’m going to make a YouTube video about it.
57.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him Son: can we go to the park? Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
58.
I really appreciate how patient the two year old’s new friend is.
59.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
60.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week- Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
61.
This is the best day of my life! -my 5yo after riding an escalator. (Really glad we took that Disney trip last year.)
62.
"Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don't yell at her, she yells at us." -my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here
63.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters. Wife: bay. Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters. Wife: bee. Me: to hush someone; four letters. Wife: shhh. Me: boat Noah built; three letters. Wife: ark. Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
64.
son: This wouldn't have happened if I had a dragon wife: What does that have to do with- me: Hang on. Let's see where he's going with this
65.
"Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don't yell at her, she yells at us." -my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here
66.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
67.
You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.
68.
*observing my daughter in preschool* Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen? Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same. Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?
69.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids? Me: Slept in.
70.
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad. Me: Why? 6: They should have been French fries. Now I'm sad, too.
71.
If I'm being rigorously honest, the amount of time I spend on the toilet has doubled since having kids.
72.
Enjoying a leisurely dip in the hotel hot tub? Enjoy it while it lasts cause here comes my kids.
73.
Congratulations on your newborn. Both sides of your pillow are now the cool side since you hardly will ever use it again.
74.
6-year-old: Can I please have carrots and ranch? Server: We don’t have any carrots. 6-year-old: I’ll have the ranch. Thanks. *hands her the menu*
75.
"Do octopuses fart?" And other important questions that my 4yo ponders on car trips.
76.
Prepare your kid’s favorite food. No, I’m sorry. That is no longer your kid’s favorite food.
77.
My husband told me that one day our children will read my tweets. Thank goodness, because this is the closest thing to a baby book I’ve done.
78.
Of course you judge parents in restaurants before you have kids. That’s how the human race survives, each person thinking they can do it better before finding out no you fucking can’t.
79.
my son's awfully confident for someone who's thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack
80.
My 9yo just made a "protein shake" out of milk, cookies and ice cream. I'm making him my new nutritionist.
81.
Random guy: *honks at me for taking too long to pull out of my parking space* MOVE YOUR CAR, LADY! My 4-year-old: *rolls down her window* HEY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL MY MOM WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT HER KID!
82.
I wish I could take a 12 minute power nap in the middle of the afternoon then effortlessly stay awake 6 hours past my bedtime like my kid.
83.
“If a balloon is a solid, then why if I squeeze it does it change shape?” -My son, before I’ve had coffee in the morning
84.
ME: I’m going to get this entire house clean today. Toddler: not on my watch
85.
Bringing my kids to a public waiting area with just an old book, instead of a selection of electronics, feels a lot like bringing a knife to a gun fight.
86.
HUSBAND: Did you seriously get yourself 3 things of hash browns? ME: *glares pregnantly* HUSBAND: *recedes slowly into the basement*
87.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one...that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
88.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week- Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
89.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling's name.
90.
My 6-year-old ate three packages of cookies, then poured water over her face like she just finished a marathon. I've never been so proud.
91.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
92.
only I can understand my kid. she’s like “BDIDKDKODKDHJXUDHEJSLOSJDHDUSJMSOZUZUSJSIXOJ” and I’m like “ok I will get you a piece of sausage in just a minute”
93.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score: Kids: 43,290 Mom: 1
94.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
95.
Me: *plays a podcast about finding quiet in your life* 4yo: *talks over it*
96.
It was raining really hard and my 5yo said “The clouds are having a tantrum” and I was like YEAH YOU WOULD KNOW.
97.
Once you have kids who can drive & go to the store for you, that’s when your life really begins.
98.
5-year-old: I'm missing a toe! Me: What?! 5: Never mind. I miscounted.
99.
I never thought my spouse & I would argue over who “gets” to leave the house to pick up milk, but this is what parenthood does to you, people.
100.
You know when you’ve plugged your phone into a charger only to discover the charger wasn’t ever plugged into an outlet therefore your phone actually hasn’t been recharged at all? That’s what going to sleep for the night as a parent is like.