6 Calls That Suggest You Might Be Listening To A British Broadcast Of The Ashes

Bitter? Yes. When we’re so desperate that we’d rather listen in live to the slow process of Tony Greig’s body returning to the earth, you f**king bet we’re bitter. Here’s why…

Okay, so Australia is rubbish at cricket. We get it, and that's enough to deal with in its own right.

It's bad enough to watch.

But due to the tightarsedness of free-to-air providers in this country, now our ears also have to suffer incompetence as Sky's gaggle of former English captaincy failures gloat over success they never had any stake in.

As the home side romps around the field like zoo-bred orangutans given five days in a banana plantation and unlimited poo to fling, the likes of Nasser Hussein, David Gower, Michael Vaughan and co seem ever more determined to ignore the constant stream of poor sportsmanship, arrogance and unapologetic cheating not seen since, well, since Australia dominated the Test arena so many eons ago.

When we finally get a few to the boundary, the pitch is suddenly a highway. Aussie milestones worthy of a mention in Wisden are brushed aside to make room for jokes about Botham's sandwiches.

At least Sky's camera operators have the sense of humour to flash to Alastair Cook in the field every time he's knuckle-deep into the well-polished interior of one of his nostrils.

Bitter? Yes.

When we're so desperate that we'd rather listen in live to the slow process of Tony Greig's body returning to the earth, you f**king bet we're bitter.

Here's why…

1. It’s Okay To Drop Easy Catches If You’re English

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Needing one more wicket to wrap up the Aussies trailing by more than 100 runs, Trott drops a sitter at first slip from Hughes off Swann.

Curse his right-handedness. Here’s Michael Vaughan on that,

2. Sixes Don’t Count When They’re Hit By 19-Year-Old Number 11 Debutants

The visitors are nine wickets down and 61 runs behind a total of 215.

Nineteen-year-old debutant Ashton Agar has already defied the odds by making his way stylishly to 19 when he calmly clatters Graeme Swann back over his head and over the fence.

In the box, Vaughan is proving hard to impress, cutting to the ad break with an offhand “Just the six for the over.”

3. One Shot Does An English Bradman Make

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Ian Bell cuts Starc to the boundary, Andrew Strauss get a stiffy:

“The kind of shot you’d expect Bradman to play.”

4. If Your Tailenders Can Arse World Records, Ours Are A Sure Bet To Smash Them

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It's Day Two at Lords. England are 9-321, with Ryan Harris on a rampage after claiming his fourth and fifth wickets.

Chris Broad and Graeme Swann get a couple of solid edges to the boundary and suddenly:

"We saw at Trent Bridge Australia putting on 169 for the 10th wicket. Well England have got a good chance with these ones as well."

Unfortunately, the records stop at #46, which was a stand of 80 between Australia's Garrett and Evans back in 1885.

So no luck nailing down exactly how badly wrong Andrew Strauss got that one.

5. Clearly The ICC Needs To Check Its Rankings Algorithm

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Third Test, Day One. Michael Clarke at the crease.

Or, as Andrew Strauss prefers to call him: “Australia’s one world-class player.”

Erm...

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5. Your Tailend Runs Have Absolutely, Categorically, Nothing To Do With Our Bowling Performance

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Second Test, Day Two.

Australian fast bowler Mitchell Starc, on his way to an unbeaten 66, crunches Bresnan to the boundary for 35 off 36 deliveries.

The awkward 20-second silence that follows while they retrieve the ball is finally broken by Tony Lloyd:

“Well, if you can’t bat here, you can’t bat anywhere.”

Australia, clearly worried about their bowlers over-exerting themselves by hitting too many boundaries, declares on 7-527, before rolling the entire England side for 368.

And not only are they biased, they’re crass.

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Shame on you, England.

Now give us back our bloody Ashes.

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