Note: This post contains mentions of pregnancy loss and suicide.
Nowadays, there are a multitude of reasons why people are choosing to get married and/or have children at a traditionally "older" age.
In a previous post, dozens of people from the BuzzFeed Community shared their reasoning. Next, I wanted to dive deeper into the 'kids' part, so I asked people who did wait to become parents at a later age if they are happy with their decision or if there was anything they wish they did differently, had their circumstances been different.
Before sharing their stories, it's worth reiterating that there's absolutely no right or wrong timeline to choose to have kids (or not have kids) because everyone is so different. But it is important to talk openly about this topic because it's so nuanced and full of varying and valid perspectives. You can find several of those perspectives below.
1. "My husband and I had been married for almost 10 years with very little birth control besides the pull-out method. I was fine with waiting to have kids at first. When I was 30 and he was 35, we started wanting to have kids since we’d already traveled quite a bit and bought a home. After two years of infertility and one miscarriage, we went through IVF and I had my first daughter at 32 and my second daughter at 34. I love them both to pieces. He comes from a large family with lots of siblings."
2. "No regrets here, at least not for any of the common reasons mentioned. My regret is that my children's grandparents are older too. And my children will lose them at a younger age than I lost mine. The life, the care, and the wisdom grandparents share is invaluable."
—Anonymous
3. "I waited until I found the right partner. We met at 35, married at 37, and instantly began trying to expand our family. We’ve gone through multiple miscarriages, failed IVF cycles, and a failed donor egg cycle. I wish I would’ve been more educated about my body and how hard it can be for a woman of 'advanced maternal age' to try to conceive. Not one OB/GYN spoke to me about freezing my eggs. Not one OB/GYN ever spoke to me about my eggs and how aging affects them. While I was aware that egg quality declines as you age, I was not prepared for the reality that I’ve now gone through. I never thought to ask questions when I was younger while actively avoiding getting pregnant. It makes me so sad that I was never truly taught about my own body."
—Kristen, 42
4. "I had my first child one year ago and am very happy. I had no problems getting pregnant after 20 years of birth control. It was an easy pregnancy. I have a loving husband who splits childcare responsibilities with me, two sets of retired grandparents who live close by and allow my husband and I to have weekly date nights. We can afford a nanny, which makes life so much easier. I'm so glad I waited."
—Anonymous, 40
5. "I didn’t end up getting married until age 34 — then got right to work having kids ASAP. I had three kids when I was 36, 38, and 40, respectively. If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely have kids at a younger age. I am now 54 and do not have nearly the same energy I would have if I were younger. I'm also scared of having a major health problem before I can get my kids out of the house and through college. Also, in terms of helping out for college, I’ll only have a few years left to work before I retire, all while having to help my kids through college, so it's not the best timing. I think ahead to grandchildren as well. Will I have the energy and health to be a good grandma? Will I be able to help my kids out if they need it? A lot of unknowns."
—Kelli, 43
6. "We started trying to get pregnant when I was 32. I managed to get pregnant via IVF at 35 and after one pregnancy loss, I am now expecting my second baby — conceived without fertility treatment — at 37. I very much hope to have a third child in the future. I don’t feel there is any point in wishing I’d done things differently or earlier — the road through fertility and pregnancy to parenthood can be so long and difficult for many people, and a huge part of the journey, for me, has been learning to walk it with patient acceptance."
7. "I loved having the freedom without kids when I was in my 20s and 30s. I could focus on myself. Now that I'm older I have the money, patience, and time to give my kids a better version of me than 20 years ago. No regrets."
—Kelli, 43
8. "I waited until my career and finances were stable, which took me until age 34. Unfortunately, I developed an eating disorder in my early 30s which may have significantly inhibited my ability to conceive. My spouse and I are actively trying to get pregnant but I'm terrified that we completely missed our window."
—Anonymous
9. "I never had children with my first husband. I convinced myself and him that we just loved our lives and wanted to be child-free, but really I just didn’t want kids with him. When I met my second husband I knew I wanted to have children with him, and he felt the same way about me. I got pregnant with our first about a month after our wedding. We had our second right before I turned 38. In our neighborhood in Texas, I’m one of the oldest moms with young kids, but it couldn’t have worked any other way."
—Anonymous, 38
10. "I was set on not having a kid because I didn't want the baby to have an alcoholic father, yet I chose my husband over a child for 14 years. I do not regret making this choice and waiting to see if he would ever get sober. He did eventually after 12 years together, on his own, and now we are expecting our first (and only) in my late 30s. I believe it is a much better choice to have a child at a time when they can be raised better, than to just have them on a ridiculous timeline that society throws at us and expects us to follow. The average person in their 20s is definitely not suited and emotionally ready to be having kids, yet they have them anyway 'because they're cute' or because they just got married and it's the next thing to do."
—Anonymous
11. "I had my son at 33, which in my area, is considered 'older.' I sometimes wish I had done things differently and had him earlier, or not at all. I have nothing in common with most of the moms on his tee-ball team because I'm 10 years older than most of them. It's hard to make friends. My friends who do have kids are either much older than my son or they live in another state. I wish I would have been able to have him in my 20s, but then I think I wouldn't have the son I have."
12. "I did things the traditional way — waited until I was in a good job, stable marriage, and a big enough house to raise a family. But I regret not having children earlier because I do not have the energy at almost 40 that I had in my 20s. From sleepless nights to running around in the park, I'm exhausted and that's rubbing off on my child. It's also the reason we have decided to have only one child. I'm not sure I could physically manage another pregnancy and baby phase. We were planning on having two and I regret that waiting meant my child will be an only child."
—Anonymous
13. "I wish I had taken more time to be in shape before getting pregnant. It's been so hard to break 36 years of life habits. Its been way harder to get motivated to work out and lose the weight while also working and keeping up with a toddler. All my friends had kids younger."
14. "My partner had just started back in school after taking eight years off so we put off starting a family until they were done with their degree. Then we wanted to wait until we were more financially ready. When the time finally seemed right, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and after a few rounds of mild fertility treatments failed, we made the decision to not move forward with more aggressive treatments. I wish someone would have told me when I was younger that there was not a right time to start trying. But more than that, I wish someone would have told me that it is ok to stop trying when that feels right too. Infertility is really hard and finally being able to stop beating myself up over it was very freeing. Sometimes things don’t end up the way you always thought they would but that does not have to be a bad thing."
—Anonymous, 33
15. "I didn't find the right partner until my 30s and then had problems getting pregnant, which led to us having kids at 38. At first, we enjoyed the financial stability and that we were past our partying years. We were able to be very attentive and present parents. Then my mom died and it devastated me to lose a parent in my 40s. Now I am afraid we won't live to see grandchildren or really know my children when they are adults. I want to be an active grandparent and that doesn't look like isn't going to happen. I am afraid of being old, a frail grandma, or not being here at all. Through taking care of my aging parents and also having very young children, it's tough and I never thought I'd be in this position and don't want to burden my kids with that same situation."
—Anonymous
16. "We had our first when I was 31, nearly 32. For the most part, I am happy we waited however there is one thing that truly makes me wish we started earlier and that's energy. Chasing around a toddler at 34 is exhausting! My body has all the pains that come with being over 30 then you add the constant lifting, running, and lack of sleep. I'm tired and it's definitely making me rethink having another kid."
—Annette, 34
17. "I met my husband a little later in life. We weren’t married until our early 30s in 2015 when I was 31. We had our beautiful daughter before our first wedding anniversary and got pregnant three months after we were married. We bought a house around the time she was two. We waited until 2019 to start trying for our second but I did not become pregnant. Then Covid hit and those plans were shelved. I got pregnant last year — at 38 — but had a miscarriage. I am recently pregnant again — five months after my loss — but this pregnancy has already had some complications and we’re not truly sure about viability. My husband and I both wish we would’ve started way sooner for our second child because now it’s that much harder to get pregnant and carry to term. I can’t go back in time and change things and my heart aches for my beautiful daughter as she asks for a sibling almost daily now. She’s five."
—Anonymous
18. "So my husband and I were married at 28, had our first child at 30. We had our second three years later. I love them with all of my heart, even on the hardest days, but I will say one thing — the older I got, the more I found out who I really am and what I want out of life. I wish I had waited longer in that sense. You lose so much of yourself when you become a parent, and now the things that I want to do or change within my career or even hobbies will have to wait until I have my own time again. I wish I knew who I was 10 years ago, but I truly believe you don’t until your 30s."
—Anonymous, 36
19. "I was in my early twenties and wanted a family when I entered my first marriage. My then-husband completely and rapidly changed into someone I didn’t recognize and became so emotionally abusive and gaslit me. It took years to realize that there was no saving him and the relationship and an equal amount of time to divorce him. Fast forward to more than a decade later and I’m remarried to an amazing and caring guy who is also my best friend. I’m so grateful to have a clean slate where I’m not forever bound to a horrible person and trauma because of children."
—Lindsey, 34
20. "I found out recently that I waited too long to have a child. I waited to have the right job, the right partner, the right mindset, and now it’s too late. Years ago, I received a diagnosis of cervical cancer that I contracted after being raped at age 18, and it spread before I knew what it even was or meant. I underwent treatment including surgery, chemo, and radiation, which not only left me with physical scars but unseen internal damage that rendered all my eggs unviable. Before we knew for sure about my 'egg quality,' I suffered four miscarriages during the pandemic. So, we took out a loan and tried IVF, but after two failed rounds, we learned we needed another woman’s egg to make a hearty enough embryo to be implanted in my uterus."
21. "My husband and I waited until we were more financially stable and settled in our careers. While I still think that was the right choice, what we didn’t count on was my having unexplained infertility. It took us five years to get pregnant and now, because of my age and potential health issues that go along with that, I’m not comfortable getting pregnant again. I’m sad that my son won’t have a sibling, especially knowing that I will be leaving his life a lot sooner than other parents."
—Anonymous
22. "To the contrary, I am so glad I waited until later in life to have children. I had my first child when I was 35. I live in a high-cost area, and I know young couples have a much harder time affording a decent lifestyle in my area."
23. "As a Hispanic woman, we’re encouraged to marry early and have kids right after. But I never found the one, and now I’m severely sick so kids are out of the question. I wish I would have just had kids without a husband because at least I would have had a family. It’s really sad at this point."
—Sophie, 33
24. "I didn't want any children, my husband didn't want children, and at 41 (he was 46) we were pretty sure it was a done deal. I accidentally got pregnant during the COVID quarantine and we were shocked. I lost the baby at eight weeks and we then realized maybe we should give it a try. I conceived right away and I had another miscarriage. I was devastated and I regretted profoundly not starting earlier to give myself enough time to think about it, perhaps avoid miscarriages, and to plan out the entire thing."
—Anonymous
25. "At 41, your options are limited — doctors even call your pregnancy 'geriatric.' I was fortunate, I got pregnant again and I now have an 11-month-old baby boy who is our life. I wish I had done it earlier because if I want a second child I am out of options. I am 43 now and I'd probably have to have miscarriages to get a baby, tons of tests, and the risks of having a problematic pregnancy are higher. It's too emotionally draining and I can't go through another miscarriage and panic about losing the pregnancy again."
—Anonymous
26. "We just had our first and probably only child in February. I’m overjoyed but I know my child will miss out on family. My father is already dead and my mother and stepfather are much older with much less energy and patience. My parents waited until they were older to have children, too. Also, my sister’s children are out of high school or about to graduate so not much cousin time is expected. We can afford good schools, travel, and some luxuries but you can’t buy family. I hope my son doesn’t wait as long as I did."
27. "I waited to do school, travel, and more. I took a long time to have a kid once we were older. Only regret is that I would have had more if we started earlier. I underestimated how much love I would have for a child."
—Jon, 42
28. "I didn’t want to marry in my 20s due to career growth and wanting time to travel and experience life without a spouse or children. I married at 32, and had my first child at 35, second at 39, and third at 44. I became a single parent and retired at 56. I was lucky with my easy pregnancies and successful career. I was able to enjoy my youngest as a stay-at-home mom after I retired. My two oldest are successful and on their own and my youngest is at university. I wouldn’t have changed a thing!"
—Renée, 64
29. "I do wish I had done things differently but maybe not for one of the more common reasons. I had my first child at 33, my second at 35, and adopted my third (and last!) child when I was 37. My husband and I waited to have kids because of a myriad of circumstances, some of which were fertility-related while others were financial. Other than being one of the oldest mothers in my kids' preschool classes, all was what I had expected. But then my husband committed suicide in 2020 and I was left to raise three very young children all on my own. I think had I been younger when I had my children I would be better physically equipped to care for them now."
"After all, I have to be both mom and dad to three kids all under age 8. It's exhausting. They all have friends with young parents who seem to be in such a different place in life than I am. My friends have kids in middle and high school so they are past the need for babysitters or nap times. We don't line up anymore. I feel had I had my kids earlier in life, it just would have been all around easier."
—Adrian, 42
30. "I was 37 when I had my daughter. Had I known the pain it would have caused me and still has caused me, I would have had my daughter much sooner. When you give birth later in life, it is MUCH harder on your body. Your joints ache, your back still hurts, and there are so many other issues I can't even say without verging on the inappropriate. I've talked to several moms who had their children in their 20s, most claimed it was a breeze. A friend of mine had three children in her 20s, and then just had one this year. She's in her 40s and she said that it was much harder now than it ever was when she was younger. I admit I wasn't established in my 20s or early 30's. It took me a lot longer to get anywhere in life, but still, this is brutal. Small children require so much, and I can't do all the things I could in my 20s. So, I feel like my daughter misses out on the 'fun' mom."
—Anonymous