Being born to "older" parents creates a different experience during childhood — and even adulthood. I know firsthand because my mom had me at 38. Although your late 30s are not old to have children, by any means, the medical community technically considers moms who give birth older than age 35 to be of "advanced maternal age."
Since this is a topic close to home, I asked those of the BuzzFeed Community who also have "older" parents to share things that those with younger parents will never understand. Here is what people had to say:
1. "My mom was 44 and my dad was 35 when they had me. I'm lucky in that they're still physically very healthy and emotionally 'young' as I now hit 32, but I think the reality that they will die earlier than I'm ready for hits really hard. On the other hand, I think because my parents were a bit older than many other parents, they were far more confident in themselves bringing me up. They stressed less about the little things, didn't jump on every nonsensical parenting fad, and did (and still do!) an amazing job raising me. Because they both lived through a lot before having me (and both hit certain life stages later than they planned), I've also never been pressured by them to achieve life stages at particular times. They know that life happens in different ways for different people, and the message they've always raised me with is that it's never too late to achieve anything, and whatever life path I choose, they support me."
2. "My mom had me at 39 and my sister at 43. My dad was 44 and 48 when we were born. My dad passed away two years ago, just as my life was really starting. I never realized that they were ‘older’ parents until I was in my mid-20s. Watching your parents age is one of the worst things ever, and knowing that they might not be there to see you go on to have your own family is heartbreaking."
3. "My mom had me at 37, and my dad was 36. I'm the baby of the family, as she had my older brothers at 29 and 33. By the time I was born, my parents were just so tired all the time. Many of my weekends in my teenage years consisted of entertaining myself while my parents fell asleep on the couches in front of the TV. Also, my oldest brother would always joke that I sounded like a middle-aged lady in my youth because I would always talk like my parents. In addition, for the longest time, the only songs I knew were from my parents' generation, and I had no idea about popular music until my oldest brother sat me down and told me I had to listen to something from this century (this was in 2001) or I'd never have a social life. Harsh but fair."
4. "My dad was 56 when I was born. I experienced people thinking my parent was my grandparent, worrying about their health and mortality as a minor, and expecting to care for them already when your own independent life is just starting. I've also experienced vastly different worldviews due to the generation gap, only knowing one set of grandparents, who are the same age as your older parent, and having a half-sibling around the same age as your younger parent."
5. "Both my husband and I were born to older parents. One of the worst things was watching them get sick and we couldn't do anything to help them. My mom had a massive stroke in front of me when I was 12 years old and home alone with her. I was terrified, and of course, I didn't know what to do when someone had a stroke because I'd never seen a stroke before. That night, my mom had been teaching me how to cross-stitch. After the stroke, we were unable to finish it, and anytime I tried to finish it, I would start sobbing, and so it remains unfinished after all these years. After my mom died, I begged my sister to finish it for me because she learned cross-stitching, and she told me that she didn't feel right doing it. Watching my mom getting sick and having severe health problems wasn't much fun growing up."
"My parents divorced when I was 16, so most of my teens and 20s consisted of working jobs and helping my mom with things. I could not go to concerts because she needed my paychecks to keep a roof over our heads. Driving was something that I was never able to do because my mom couldn't teach me, with her failing health. After the divorce, my dad's new wife hated my sister and me and thought we were 'mooches' who only wanted our dad for money. She turned him away from us, and without the extra child support my dad said he would give my mom after we were of age, there was no more college, either. Being born to older parents also meant grandparents died before I met them, and I barely had family members who were in their 70s or 80s live long enough for me to remember them."
6. "My dad had me when he was 45. He is now 75 and in very poor health. My friends' dads are all in their late 50s, and there’s a huge noticeable difference between them. I was lucky enough to have my dad at my wedding last week, but growing up, I always assumed he wouldn’t be alive for my wedding."
7. "My mom (80; I'm early 40s) cannot and will not use the internet, and also cannot and will not text. As more and more stuff goes electronic, more and more stuff falls to me to sort out for her. I've shown her how to do simple things online over and over, but she doesn't retain it and creates a mess. It can be frustrating, but I just have to accept that this stuff is down to me now. However, she's in good health and is independent, so other caring duties that might have fallen to the daughter of an older mother haven't come along — so a bit of help with technology isn't really a lot to ask. She's very kind, generous, and supportive of me and will help me out in any way she can."
8. "I can never relate to the movies my peers watched growing up because I grew up watching FFF (feature films for families) and other oddball films on a perpetually broken VHS tape player. I'm 21, my parents are almost 70."
9. "My mother adopted me at birth when she was 49. My older siblings are 20-plus years older, so I was born an aunt. My nephews born after me were more like siblings than anything else. Growing up, she was definitely a lot more laid-back with me than she was with my older siblings, so they say."
"She put a lot more trust in me than other parents and kids I knew, but now I think it's just because she was too tired and old to care.
"I grew up watching more soap operas and old movies than kids shows, and going to tearooms and antiques stores. I definitely know a lot of old sayings other people didn't understand. There was a lot of emphasis on politics because she'd seen so much growing up. Now she's 87 and I'm 38, still going strong."
10. "I definitely feel that having an older mom matured me in ways."
11. "Listening to 'oldies' music as a kid, growing up and listening to it as an adult, and some people just don't get it."
12. "My parents were definitely ready to be parents — they had me at 36. They were grown people who made adult decisions about their marriage and bringing a kid into this world. I’m grateful for that stability. That said, knowing that they won’t be around for as much of my adult life is heartbreaking, and something a lot of people can’t relate to."
13. "My parents were older when they had me and my brother, and for us, it meant that my mom had more time and patience when it came to spending time with us. She was room mom for both of our classrooms and was always patient and available when we needed her. She had wanted kids so badly and for so long that when she finally had us, she said, ‘I never want these kids to feel like they can’t tell me what’s going on, no matter what.’"
14. "I feel kinda lucky to have had older parents — Mom was in her late 30s, Dad was in his early 40s. I’m the oldest. Both my parents overcame significant challenges and made significant life changes before getting married and becoming parents. As a result, they’ve been so supportive and understanding of everything my siblings and I face. Their advice has been vital to our success."
"The one downside is losing relatives faster than my classmates and friends. I’m about to lose my final grandparent, when most of my friends haven’t even lost one yet."
15. "My dad was 47 when I was born. He’s now 85 and doesn’t understand this generation’s ‘norms’ — he thinks that married people must have children and that making a lot of money is the only way one is considered successful. Also, he doesn’t understand inflation! The arguments we’ve had…smh!"
16. "People would mistake my dad for my grandpa, even though he didn’t look particularly old — just older than the other dads. He was 40 when he had me. I’m grateful that he had already established his career, so he had the flexibility to spend time with me and excellent financial stability. He was also less stressed than other dads. On the other hand, he very much missed the liberty and free time he enjoyed before marriage and children. He never quite adjusted to 'the conventional life' after so many years as a bachelor."
17. "My parents had me when my dad was 50 and my mom was 40. I think many kids become friends with one another because their parents are friends, but since my parents were significantly older than the other parents of kids in my age group, I had to put in a lot of work to form those early friendships."
"Also, I used to find it embarrassing to be in public with my parents because strangers would always assume they were my grandparents. I wish I hadn’t been so embarrassed by them then because now they actually are of 'grandparent age' (my dad is in his mid-70s), and I can feel the time slipping away, even though I’m only 24.
"They’ve also definitely affected the relationships I seek out, both platonic and romantic. I tend to have an easier time connecting with people older than I am because I have more in common with them than I do with other people my age.
"Having older parents has made my life harder in ways it probably wouldn’t have been otherwise — but it’s also shaped me into who I am now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way."
18. "My mom had me at 36 and my twin brothers at 38. We grew up going to much more funerals than weddings. I know that's random, but it was much more common to hear bad news than good news, since all of our family and their friends were older."
19. "Maybe this is specific to my family, but my parents are older because my older sibling died around age 4. They were old enough to be a walking, talking human, and the death was not a freak accident — they had been sick, but they were expected to recover and didn’t."
"It took my parents a while, and apparently more than one miscarriage, before they had my sibling and me. People comment on how great their lives must have been, putting off having kids, as if they were just having a super-fun time and postponing something inevitable or shirking some duty to procreate.
"No one HAS to have kids. Implying that kids are a life-ruining burden that somehow 'tamed them' is doubly insulting because my parents were 'young' or of average age at the time to start a family, but they worked really hard and sacrificed a lot to prepare and make sure they were secure and stable enough. It ended in tragedy despite all the 'fun young things' they passed on to build a life they were comfortable with bringing children into.
"It shatters my heart when people comment that my parents are 'older' in random lighthearted conversation. It’s not as if they didn’t try, it’s not as if they didn’t succeed, it’s not as if they didn’t suffer terrible loss that put them behind the 'typical' curve. I hear people they’ve known for years say things about how nice it must have been having more time to themselves before 'settling down to start a family,' and I don’t know how they can stand it."
20. "My dad was 44 and my mom was 38 when they had me. It wasn't by choice. They tried to have kids for 10 years and thought they couldn't before my brother came along, and I was a bonus five years later. I didn't notice much of a difference growing up, but I do think my parents were more laid-back and appreciative of being parents because they thought they might never get the opportunity."
21. "As an only child (23, female) of older parents (62 and 58), I was always expected to act much older than my actual age. It’s almost like when I saw people acting 'childlike' and they were allowed to be children. Also, being that they’re boomers, they distrust pretty much anything to do with technology and told me I would ruin my life if I ever got involved in social media. I get that they met later in life, but they didn’t really look into today’s world to try and connect with me, but expected me to meet them in the past."
If you have "older" parents and a story to tell, share it with me in the comments below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.