1. Loot, Loot, LootIf undertaken responsibly and safely (tip: wear a bike helmet!), looting can be exhilarating, profitable, and fun! But don’t go straight for the designer stores - empty symbols of superficial worldly status won’t be anywhere near as useful to you now as they used to be. Instead, think about your three Cs: Canned goods, Cigarettes, and Combat weapons. You should be able to find all of these things in the Household Essentials aisle at Walmart.
2. Take Up SmokingReally no need to worry about lung cancer anymore, folks. The only other major knock on delicious, delicious cigarettes is the cost, which, well, see Tip 1 above. Anyway, I’m fairly sure we won’t have a recognized national currency anymore pretty soon. What with the apocalypse and everything.
3. Read The BibleI don’t know - maybe there are some clues in there or something? I mean, clearly we should have been taking this thing A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUSLY during the past 2K years or so. Sample quote: “I will sweep away everything in all your land, says the LORD. I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity.” It’s all right there, dude.
4. Take Over A Radio StationThe entire left side of the dial will be totally up for grabs when the evangelical Christians disappear exactly like they said they would. Somebody hilarious needs to take over a radio station and play It’s The End Of The World As We Know It on a loop. Lighten the mood a bit.
5. Change Your Sinful WaysHaha, just kidding. It’s too late for that! You are so fucked!
- Donald Trump will remain an executive producer on NBC's "The Celebrity Apprentice" while he's president.
- The Oakland warehouse where 36 people were killed last week may have never been subject to a fire inspection — a yearly requirement.
- John Glenn, a pioneering astronaut and the first American to orbit the Earth, has died at 95. Godspeed, Glenn 🚀🇺🇸
- Uber finally laid out hard rules for riders: No guns, sex, or barfing, please 🚗❌
Report an Issue
Drag to highlight one or more parts of the screen.
We got your feedback, and we'll follow up with you at