29. Cat Who Hung Around A High School So Much That They Made Her A Student
As countless voyagers on this quest we call existence will know, the School of Life offers manifold lessons for free. The Leland High School, however, will only teach you if you have an official Leland High School ID card.
28. Full-Stack Kittens
“Whosoever keepeth their kittens in a row hath but a row of kittens. But he who keeps his kittens in a stack hath true wisdom, as well as extra storage space.”
– Old but largely unhelpful adage about kitten storage
27. Cat Who Hates the Smell of Your Feet
Even the most hardened optimist will admit that 2015 has been a large, stinky foot of a year, but this cat is a reminder that those who balk at the first bad smell will never taste the sweet toes of life.
26. Malfunctioning Bubble-Wrap Cat
“At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of bubble wrap.”
– Henry David Thoreau, after meeting this cat at Walden Pond
25. Cat Who Fails at Cat Doors
This world is but a doorway, and every choice you make is a doorway in that doorway. It’s all very confusing and aggravating, frankly.
23. Cats Who Love an Ice Ball
What if the very universe is a giant ball of ice, and we are but tongues to lick it? Somewhat unlikely, I will grant you, but what if?
22. Slinky Kitten
“He who avoids the Cat Toy of Responsibility is like unto the slinky: Fun, but ultimately not very useful.”
– Utterly inane aphorism (author unknown)
21. Kitten Who Copies His Mom
If ever you feel unequal to the accomplishments of your peers or elders, do not give up! Just put your hands in the air and drool on your chest and hope to God that no one notices.
20. Jumping Kitten
When the Index Finger of Opportunity wiggles at you, will you be ready to grab it? No, you will hop and wave frantically at it, because that’s what our ancestors have done since time immemorial.
19. Huge Mistake Cat
Could Odysseus have known what would befall his ship when he set forth for Ithaca? Could Shackleton have predicted the cruel fate of Endurance? Then neither could this cat foresee the travails awaiting her hardy craft on its brave voyage across the pool. And neither should we judge her for her adventuresome spirit.
17. Bed Protector Cat
Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the bed:
“To every cat upon this earth
A dog will rear his head.
But how can we die better
And what could be more fitting
Than standing fast and holding tight
The tiny beds we sit in.”
Horatius at the Bridge, Lord Macaulay (paraphrased)
16. Cat Who Was Foiled by a Slice of Cheese
Our dreams are tantalizingly in our reach, but we cannot grasp them unless first we grapple with the half-eaten processed cheese slice that is our own self-doubt.
15. Accidental Flight Cat
2015 was a garbage year, but it was also a year in which a brave, brave, brave little girl survived an accidental flight in an open-air Skyranger plane and made it home in time for dinner, so it wasn’t a total wash.
13. Baby-Befriending Cat
As we approach a new year and its burgeoning promise of a fresh start, can we not put aside our differences, like this cat and this baby, and appreciate that we are each, in our own way, very silly indeed?
12. Sticky-Tape Cat
“On those hard, horrible days when it feels like the whole world is laughing at you, pause for a second, take a deep breath, and then check to see if you’ve accidentally left the house with tape in your hair.”
– Just some sound, practical advice. Take it or leave it.
11. Cat Unimpressed by Whoopie Cushion
“Even if we should build a whoopie cushion the size of the Earth, we would never impress the gods with anything more than the vast extent of our hubris.”
– (Still) lost fragment of Heraclitus
10. Q-Tip Balancer
There is a balance to things. A delicate, wavering balance, yes, but a balance nonetheless. For the universe itself is a balance beam, one that stretches from the twinkling point of the furthest star to the teetering q-tip at the very edge of your nose.
8. Cat Surprised and Disappointed by Flower Hat
If youth is the subtle promise of a green bud breaking through fresh dirt, and adolescence is the growing hope of a fresh stalk rising to the sky, then adulthood is the surprising and disappointing flower hat you have to wear when all that growing and blooming comes up against the abrupt shock of suddenly having to pay your own rent.
7. Cat Who Stole a Plush Toy From the Neighbors
“A thief can become wealthy, but he will never be rich in his heart.”
– Someone who has never met this cat
6. Thug Life Cat
The burden of free will is that all of us have within ourselves the capacity to do evil. But can we really judge those unlucky cats who hear the sweet, Siren song of the Thug Life and find themselves powerless to resist?
5. Vampire Cat
Loki the Vampire Cat was a necessary reminder in this tumultuous, morally confusing era that even the most wicked among us don’t mind an occasional snuggle.
2. Hotline Bling Cat
As a community, cats have unilaterally shunned modernity to such an extent that (with the possible exception of iPad Yurt cat), no feline has ever owned a piece of cellular technology. Despite all this, when that hotline bling, even the cats know that it can only mean one thing, and one thing only.
1. Cats Scared of Cucumbers
Although not without its joyful moments, 2015 was as full of unpleasant surprises as a carelessly placed cucumber. As rife with nasty shocks as an unexpected relative of the gourd. As riddled with bewildering bolts from the blue as an unanticipated pickle.
How fitting, then, that the number 1 most important cats this year were the cats who looked these rude and unwelcome members of the Cucurbitaceae family right in their green little eyes and said, “No thank you!”
Here’s to a 2016 completely devoid of unforeseen zucchini.
- Mike Pence said the next attorney general will decide whether or not federal charges against Michael Slager will remain.