We asked the BuzzFeed Community for their worst and funniest one-night stand stories. You better sit down for these.
Note: These submissions have been edited for length and clarity.
1. The breakfast in bed:
The night itself went fine. But in the morning, his mom walked into the room and, completely unfazed by the fact that we were obviously both naked under the bed sheets, woke us up and asked what we wanted for breakfast.
2. The accidental "job":
I was 21 and his enormous curly hair and tortoiseshell glasses caught my eye from across the bar. We hooked up in his car listening to a live Pearl Jam CD. We were both so drunk that nothing else was memorable until he caught me off guard with one question: "Do you, like, want any money or anything?" I froze, taking in the reality of actually being mistaken for a prostitute.
3. The vampire:
While this guy was inside me, he suddenly slowed down, got serious, and asked if I'd let him eat me out the next time I was on my period.
4. The werewolf:
Somehow, I ended up in bed with a guy who legit believed he was a werewolf. The "foreplay" was him telling me about what being a lycanthrope was like. He bit me and said, "I hope this doesn't change you." I still don't know why I didn't leave right then and there. I blame the alcohol.
5. The shitter:
Five words: He shit in my bed.
6. The wrong bathroom:
This took place after a frat party, so we were both a bit intoxicated. I didn't plan on staying the night at his place, so I started to get dressed. As I was putting my jacket on, this guy gets out of bed, opens a dresser drawer, and just starts pissing in it.
7. The feedback:
I hooked up with a guy my first year at college who wasn't exactly someone you'd call a charmer. At the end, before even having a chance to put clothes on, he looked at me and said, "OK, so notes..." and proceeded to give me notes and constructive criticism on our encounter as if it were a theatre rehearsal.
8. The deep throat:
I was 25 and took home a 35-year-old from the bar. The entire walk home he was bragging about his ability to deep-throat better than a porn star. We get home and he starts. A few moments later he deep-throats and proceeds to puke all over my crotch.
9. The family man:
In the summer I work as a lifeguard on the beach. I was at the bar there with some coworkers when I met an awesome guy and his brothers. We hit it off immediately and at the end of the night, we headed back to the beach house they had for the week. In the morning when I got up to leave, I walked out of his room to see all his sisters-in-law and their combined 15 kids sitting in the living room. It was even worse when I walked out of the house and realized I left my bag in his room and had to go back in.
10. The sinner:
I invited a Tinder match over one evening. We had fairly underwhelming sex, and then he proceeded to tell me that what we'd just done was a sin. He had a full-blown "forgive me father for I have sinned" breakdown in my bed. Needless to say, I didn't call him again.
11. The A++ student:
During my college years, I was crushing on this guy in my English class. One night at a party we had a couple of drinks, went up to one of the rooms, and started fooling around really sloppily. As we were having sex, all of a sudden he vomited all over my front and then proceeded to pull out and orgasm on top of the mess he'd made. Worst one-night stand ever.
12. The visit from Aunt Flo:
I hooked up with this guy I met on Tinder and about five minutes into having sex things started getting a little wetter than usual. Turns out I had just started my period and got blood all over the both of us, and to make it even better I had to go ask his ex-girlfriend who lived next door for a tampon and a ride home.
13. The noise machine:
I hooked up with this guy I met on Tinder for the second time. Keep in mind that all I consumed that day was some bacon and a lot of beer. So when we were hooking up he put his fingers in my bootyhole, which I had never done before, and when we fell asleep I woke up to a loud fart noise. I thought it was him, so I tried going back to sleep when another giant fart woke me up. That's when I realized it was mine. Every time I got close to falling asleep, I'd rip a huge fart. The next morning he said he had to leave and awkwardly side-hugged me. We never talked again. My farts scared him off.
14. The cheating curve:
Hooked up with a guy I'd only known for a few days. Everything went fine until it was time to drop him off at his place the next morning. There was a guy standing outside the apartment looking pissed, who immediately started toward us. Apparently the guy was gay, but liked to cheat on his live-in boyfriend with women because, to him, that wasn't cheating.
15. The Romeo:
Back in college, I had been really flirty for a while with a guy in my math class. One night, he asked if he could come over to work on the homework together. The assignment forgotten, things escalated into hot and heavy pretty quickly. I was straddling him, halfway undressed and about to do the deed, when he told me that he couldn't go any further because he was still in love with his ex. Two hours of half-naked talking about his feelings later, we ended up calling his ex-girlfriend together so that he could tell her how he still felt. They ended up getting back together during that phone call! In my dorm room. Where we had just been having sex.
16. The revenge:
I was at a club and while dancing, this guy came up. We were getting intense, and he asked if I wanted to go to his apartment. We started kissing on the kitchen table and all of a sudden it broke. I was so embarrassed, and he just said that he would buy a new one later on. So we went to the bed, and things were going really nice, and then someone screamed about the broken table. It was his roommate, aka his ex-girlfriend. He just told me to stay in the closet, and I stood there hiding. He took me there and broke the table on purpose so she would get jealous about him getting laid with someone else.
17. The pet problem:
I went home with a guy and, on the way there, he mentioned that he needed to let his dog out. But he didn't just let the dog out — we were out playing fetch for a good 20 minutes. While we were out there, the dog cut his tail on a thorn bush (sad) and I ended up with a stranger's dog's blood on my dress.
The dog continued to be a problem. He wouldn't stop barking when the sexy time started. It got so bad that the guy kept yelling at the dog while he was inside me. Like, actually screaming four inches from my face while on top of me.
Like the dress, my night was ruined.
18. The problem with not reading signs:
I was newly single and ready to put myself back out there. I started talking to a really attractive boy on Tinder. I get over to his place and we make out, and get naked, and I start telling him what I like. He doesn't listen. He's awful. I leave early in the morning and walk to my car without really saying goodbye. But here's the kicker: My car had been towed overnight. I walked two miles home.
19. The escape artist:
I was 18 and had a crush on a super-cute guy in his late twenties. One night he invited me over to his house for drinks. When we were in the middle of action in his bedroom, there was a noise in the living room. He stopped everything and whispered to me, terrified, "My mother! My mother is back home, you have to hide!" I just stared at him, puzzled, but he went on, "Under the bed, go! Hide under the bed!" After lying to his (apparently) psycho mother, he told me to get out and climb down from his second-floor window, because his mother couldn't see me. Which I did. I ran as far from him as I could.