For those of you who aren't familiar, My Boyfriend's Back is a delightful 1993 zombie film.
Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 10% ... way harsh.
But Stephen Holden of The New York Times totally would've been my BFF.
1. Johnny, our hero, is played by Andrew Lowery and he's the ultimate geeky dream boy.
2. Plus, he says adorably sweet things that will melt your warm, human heart.
3. And this is Traci Lind, who plays Johnny's love interest, Missy McCloud, and she's a total babe too.
4. There are several sexual fantasy scenes between these two. All of them are adorably awkward.
5. SPOILER: The reason why Johnny becomes a zombie, is that he plans a fake burglary to look like a hero in front of Missy.
6. And his BFF plays along with it, and dresses up as a robber, because that's what REAL FRIENDS DO.
7. Of course, things go horribly and hilariously wrong when a REAL burglar robs the store.
8. Johnny jumps IN FRONT OF A BULLET to save Missy, and in doing so, gets shot. Obvi.
9. Johnny dies. He's straight up DEAD. But he crawls out of the grave, because he has a date to get to, damnit.
10. And everyone in town is totally OK with Johnny just... being back. From the dead.
11. He kind of just goes back to being the high school loser he was before...
12. Until Johnny gets hungry... And tries to eat Eddie.
13. Then tries to eat this poor lady in polka dots.
14. Eventually, he does eat someone. (He's only a zombie, after all.) And that someone is Philip. Seymour. Hoffman.
15. But before he's all gobbled up, he says really amazing things, like this:
16. Oh, and did I mention that a young Matthew McConaughey is in this movie too?
17. So is Matthew Fox, and he's got some seriously smooth moves.
18. And without being too on the nose, the movie manages to comment on bullying and prejudice.
19. Eventually, Missy agrees to go out with Johnny, because he's not like all the other boys.
20. There are some amazingly campy moments, like when Missy goes to nibble on Johnny's ear and, well, gets an ear full.
21. Of course, there are obstacles to this Romeo and Juliet romance, like the fact that Johnny's undead self is DYING AGAIN.
22. And the scientist who offers to help save his life realizes that he could make some serious money off of Johnny's dead flesh.
23. Oh, and the town is totally anti-zombie and makes Missy feel like a trollop.
24. Her parents though are soooo not about to let her go out in public with a dead boy.
25. But in the end, Johnny fights for the one thing he really cares about.
26. And he proves that he would do ANYTHING for the woman he loves.
27. And Missy agrees to go to the prom with him, even if it means she's shunned by everyone else.
28. Which means Johnny can get the one thing he died for: a dance with Missy at the prom.
29. They look so happy while dancing, that sometimes you weep uncontrollably from all of the feels.
I'm not saying that I wept, but I definitely loudly sobbed.
30. And then Johnny falls down, because he's about to die, and all hope for happiness is lost.
SOBS, SO MANY SOBS.
31. But before he goes, Missy and Johnny say they love each other, and the onion ninjas come out FULL FORCE.
32. You think that's the end, but it's not... because Heaven made a mistake, and Johnny wasn't supposed to die at all. So he's given a second chance.
33. But he does the same thing again: he jumps in front of the bullet for Missy.
34. Only his life is spared this time, because the bullet hit the locket he has been trying to give Missy since the first grade.
It's kind of amazing, because throughout the movie we know that Johnny has carried around this locket, waiting for the right moment, and now it's saved his life.