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    29 Yankee Candles That Make No Scents

    Pun definitely intended.

    Listen, I like nice smelling candles as much as the next person.

    There are few things as comforting as lightin' up a scented candle on a rainy day, closing my eyes, and pretending I don't live in a tiny sad apartment. I can get down with the cinnamon, the apple, the lemon, the lavender scents. I'll even let fresh cotton slide. But Yankee Candle has been straight up CLOWNING on us with scent names recently. I will not sit idly by and allow this affront to my s( c )en( t )sibilities.

    1. "Cozy By The Fire"

    yankeecandle.com

    OK, so! Either this candle smells like "fire," which — let's be honest — is what all candles smell like, or this candle smells like "cozy," which —let's be more honest — is bonkers. Do I smell like "angry" right now? Because I am.

    2. "Bundle Up"

    yankeecandle.com

    I have to assume, based on the name, that this smells like neck sweat and wet mittens.

    3. "Amber Moon"

    yankeecandle.com

    All I imagine is a bunch Yankee Candle employees taking LSD around a conference table until a sweaty guy wearing his tie on his head jumps up and yells, "I CAN SMELL THE MOON."

    4. "Angel's Wings"

    yankeecandle.com

    Under the name it says "With pure, natural extracts." Not sure where Yankee Candle is getting the pure, natural extract of an angel's wing, but I'm calling bullshit.

    5. "Beautiful Day"

    yankeecandle.com

    Beautiful day...at the beach? In the woods? At the sewage treatment center?

    6. "Celebrate!"

    yankeecandle.com

    Get that exclamation point out of here, your enthusiasm will not fool anyone into thinking this is an acceptable name for a scent.

    7. "Cherries On Snow"

    yankeecandle.com

    Yes, I can really smell the difference between this and Juicy Cherry. An important distinction for sure.

    8. "Christmas at the Beach"

    yankeecandle.com

    So...it smells like pine?

    9. "Christmas Eve"

    yankeecandle.com

    So...it smells like pine???

    10. "Feliz Navidad"

    yankeecandle.com

    ENTONCES...¿¿¿HUELE A PINO???

    11. "Cream Colored Ponies"

    yankeecandle.com

    Even the ponies know this is garbage. Look at their guilty little cream-colored faces.

    12. "DO RE MI"

    yankeecandle.com

    If this doesn't smell like Julie Andrews' canned farts I want nothing to do with it.

    13. "Drift Away"

    yankeecandle.com

    At this point I have to assume Yankee Candle exists on a higher plane of reality where actions have smells and colors have sounds and licorice actually tastes good.

    14. "Evening Air"

    yankeecandle.com

    Oh, you know that smell we all love! Air!! Yeah. Such a strong, complex smell. Love the smell of air. Even got an air perfume at home.

    15. "Early Sunrise"

    yankeecandle.com

    A Yankee Candle employee leaps out of his seat. "I've got it! Something that will really anger our customers. We'll call it Sunrise!"

    His boss, rubbing her temples, lets out a low, long grumble. "You can do better than that, Jim. We really want to piss them off, not just mildly annoy them," she says.

    "You didn't let me finish," he says, a smile spreading across his face. "Early Sunrise."

    "Jim, you magnificent bastard. YOU'RE GETTING A RAISE."

    16. "Jack Frost"

    yankeecandle.com

    You're supposed to just imagine this one smells, I guess.

    17. "Loves Me, Loves Me Not"

    yankeecandle.com

    I loves this scent not.

    18. "Midnight Blue"

    yankeecandle.com

    Imagine someone telling you their favorite smell is "Midnight Blue" and you just have to stand there and act like they aren't an insane person?

    19. "Nostalgic Snow"

    yankeecandle.com

    No part of this makes sense. No part of it.

    20. "North Pole"

    yankeecandle.com

    I have to assume this smells like frozen polar bear feces.

    21. "Sailing"

    yankeecandle.com

    Wish I could sail away from this absurdity.

    22. "Soft Blanket"

    yankeecandle.com

    You know what's soft? Your scent naming skils. OOOOOOH.

    23. "Storm Watch"

    yankeecandle.com

    Just what I want when I light a nice, relaxing candle: the feeling of an impending, violent doom.

    24. "Summer Dreams"

    yankeecandle.com

    Ya can't smell dreams, Yankee Candle. Ya just simply cannot.

    25. "Winter Glow"

    yankeecandle.com

    In case you couldn't figure out what a "winter glow" is based on the name alone (GUILTY!!!), they've added a helpful illustration...of a candle. This candle smells like candle, is what they're saying.

    26. "Turquoise Sky"

    yankeecandle.com

    My head hurts.

    27. "Whiskers On Kittens"

    28. "Warm Woolen Mittens"

    yankeecandle.com

    "Sir, we found evidence at the crime scene."

    "What is it?"

    "It's this tiny patch of fabric, but we don't know where it came from."

    "Give it here, let me smell it. Yes...yes...This smells familiar. A fiber of some kind. Animal based. Yes, I believe this might be...wool..."

    "Wool, sir?"

    "Yes, it smells like...warm...wool. The warm wool of...maybe a scarf?"

    "A scarf, sir?"

    "NO! Not a scarf it's a—it's a—it's a MITTEN. YES, this fabric smells like a warm woolen mitten."

    "..."

    "Just kidding, that would be IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO SMELL OBVIOUSLY."

    29. "Windblown"

    yankeecandle.com

    I give up.

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