1.
[through chopstick walrus tusks] divorth?
2.
Karl Marx, 1847
3.
sometimes my low pony looks cute but sometimes i look like a young man in colonial america eager to start his woodworking apprenticeship
4.
My culture is not a costume https://t.co/AQac5Eeanc
5.
imagine being left handed 😂😂😂😂 grow up
6.
MILK IS TOO GODDAMN SPICY!!!
7.
live your life with the enthusiasm of Bruce Springsteen counting to 4
8.
“I can’t wait for winter”
9.
Wanna feel old? Today started 62 years ago
10.
Look at this little fucker after I took her bone away from her (she was choking on it 🙄).
11.
“He‘s so young, is it really fair to ruin his whole life?” “He‘s so old, is it really fair to ruin his whole life?” CAN SOMEONE PLEASE IDENTIFY THE SPECIFIC 27-HOUR PERIOD OF TIME IN A CISGENDER MAN’S LIFE WHEN HE CAN BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS
12.
I've never wished so hard that Alyssa Milano was a real witch.
13.
me: hi jk rowling: hedwig was a nigerian woman of color
14.
moths only want one thing and its disgusting
15.
its the weekend baby. you know what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and write it on my calendar
16.
heather, youve got a big storm coming
17.
me: I really shouldn't eat out today; I have to save money me: if you buy food with cash, it'll be like you're not spending money bc the number in your bank account will be the same me: shit can't argue with that logic let's eat
18.
My dog Philby has to take allergy meds everyday but he doesn’t need to know that.
19.
wow i mean imagine if a lady came in for a job interview and sobbed and yelled and kept saying how much she likes beer
20.
CAN WE SEE THE JEANS?!??!?!?! https://t.co/Uuj9YnY8fZ
21.
you have a 4.0 gpa? that’s cute. i’ve solved the jonbenet ramsey case over 600 times
22.
Meet the Women for Kavanaugh.
23.
U dno how embarrassing ur pals are until ur in the front of the taxi and they are in the back
24.
me and my followers
25.
"Could never live in LA bc traffic!!!" says New Yorker, beet red from anxiety while stuck 30 mins at rat piss station as conductor explains unintelligibly over broken speakers that J train is running backwards on A line to Canal before it grows wings & flies to Staten Island