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31 Of The Funniest Tweets By Women This Week

"I hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and I have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives."

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Anyone who doesn't keep their email in the leftmost tab is a cop


I will never be as successful as this small duck


i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives


My dad is zipping his zip-off shorts back into pants so you know summer’s over


hey there delilah: the tv show! livestrong bracelets: the movie! flirting with me in study hall and then ignoring me on AIM: the broadway musical!


When you're on a dodgy site trying to stream a movie and all the ads start popping up when you're just trying to find the play button


i asked this guy how tall he is and he blocked me lmfao


in my tinder bio i mention that i have an MFA and i’m


me: [selects "send verification code as text" on a website] me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage


can you imagine what it's like being one of stellan skarsgard's acting sons. you're cast as demons, abusers, and general axe murderers while your dad is off singing abba and being spooned by colin firth


I swear to God we all lived the same life



A man just asked, “Hey red - does the carpet match the drapes?” So I lied and I said I didn’t understand what he was asking. Then he AKWARDLY TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS SHITTY SEXUAL COMMENT. And as he did he got all embarrassed and ashamed. Can I buy this feeling as a drug???


Guns N' Roses have really mellowed with age


I’ve literally never met a man who is not named Matt


the sexual tension between these two beach houses???? lmao


"We've met" is Southern Lady code for: "I remember you because you were horrible to me, but you don't remember me because you're horrible to everyone."



Step one: mind your business.



Steven Seagal looks like Sacha Baron Cohen disguised as Steven Seagal. Goodnight.



Punctuation is the difference between “for sale: baby shoes. Never worn” and “FOR SALE, BABY! Shoes! Never worn!”


my grandma caught my sister with a boy in her room😭😭😭


every straight girl on this site has an apartment filled with stunning art, plants and vintage furniture but is in love with a man who sleeps on a bare mattress next to his PS4


Bertie the Pomeranian on instagram has a Paddington bear costume and everyone needs to experience the pure joy I felt when I saw this picture


Surviving in New York Requires like 2 jobs and a little fraud on the side 🤦🏾‍♀️


My dad told me to get my brother a pizza from “liro syser”


I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”



Mike and Sully were two blue-collar workers who managed to pay for their spacious 1 bedroom in central Monstropolis while sheltering a young political refugee, and developing a new form of clean, renewable energy. What have YOU done today?

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