1.
people that were “born in the wrong era” always wanna be in the 1920s in paris. or ‘60s in new york. not me baby. gimme the 400s. BC. in greece. i’m trying to be a minotaur.
2.
when a website asks if I have read the terms and conditions https://t.co/Xv6qMqXJQA
3.
This is forty five bags of spinach
4.
someone: hey could you let me know if i need a comma here? me, has a B.S. in linguistics: do u feel a comma in your heart
5.
flight departure: 5:00pm my parents at 8:58am: https://t.co/WU9X5HVa2T
6.
there is a LOT going on here.
7.
HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
8.
abba's 1976 song money money money recognises that, in late capitalism, wealth cannot be acquired through work but by either a) mating with someone who is already wealthy (probably through inheritance) or b) through sheer luck. in this essay i will
9.
I’m going to miss that feeling of picking up a shoe, seeing it was hers and immediately dropping it on the floor. https://t.co/TtysuSyqLB
10.
Who are we? SINGLE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS What do we want? FOR PERISHABLE GROCERIES TO BE SOLD IN SMALLER PORTION SIZES
11.
Here is my audition to be in a movie as lady who is married to the great white man who is solving racism forever all by himself https://t.co/lCmDS6G9Oi
12.
yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
13.
in my most recent job interview my interviewer goes “so i saw something i wanted to talk to you about....” and paused for a long time and my stomach dropped and i really believed in that moment that she found my tweets about wanting to fuck the duolingo owl
14.
dating me is like biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie and realizing it’s chocolate chip and then realizing two hours later it was also an edible
15.
Me jumping to conclusions and not looking dumb cause i was right.
16.
RIHANNA IS CACKLING https://t.co/41oePOIcqY
17.
Today my 5 yr old niece borrowed my phone to ask Siri: “why are butterfly wings so soft that I cannot even touch them?” then she called 911.
18.
me building up the nerve to ask my waitress for water
19.
10 yrs ago, I was in Flatbush Brooklyn near the train station. A man fell unconscious onto the subway tracks. I pulled that man out of the platform right before the Q train approached. We dated for 8 months until I found out he was dating my SoulCycle instructor. This isn't us. https://t.co/p2vnAogDhq
20.
My little sister came home crying “ they keep saying I look like cardi B “ I LOST ITTTT 😂😂😂😂😂😂
21.
“so do your tattoos have any meaning?” yes they do , and the meaning is that i am cool
22.
McCary Caroline: Summer Intern✨ written with @Steven_Markow
23.
The perfect ratio: a tweet with an identical amount of retweets, favs, and replies. Is it possible? Some claim not. Me? Yeah probably not.
24.
i hope mindy kaling keeps her baby's paternity a secret for so long that eventually her daughter is forced to have a mamma mia
25.
Die apparently https://t.co/LJy5Nk0FaX
26.
I wish there was a way to make Siri sound like Schmidt from New Girl
27.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
28.
It was so hot in Austin yesterday that the Cavender’s boot on Burnet combusted and I can’t stop laughing
29.
i get so mad when people ask what i’m gonna do on my day off!!!! bitch i’m gonna recover from all my days on
30.
A+
31.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances] Dog: I guess I could protect you? Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket