1.
Sad to see that my proposal to split California into Northern California, Southern California, and Second Italy didn't make it onto the ballot this year. https://t.co/gm6GWgedNj
2.
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
3.
Me tryna fold a fitted sheet
4.
I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place and I’m liberal but that’s too much for me. What if you’re just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?
5.
im on a boat w a guy who has this tattoo
6.
I swear 2018 went JANUARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Febuarymarchaprilmayjune
7.
The White House: “there’s just no way to keep leaks from happening!!!!” Someone whose employees actually trust and respect her: https://t.co/RpKqtrvUuX
8.
Thanks but I already know how to peel back the plastic on a container of hummus https://t.co/yfFu2u3vSq
9.
exec: So what do we think women want in fashion? women: Pocke-- exec: Cold shoulder tops in pastels. Got it. women: Pock-- exec: Clothes with pre-made holes in delicate fabrics. women: Po-- exec: Cut-outs in flabby areas. Good. women: POCKET-- exec: Shapes that require new bras!
10.
My customer service voice is the fakest bitch. I don’t know her
11.
me: is there a spirit in my house ouija board: *slides to yes* me: great your portion of the rent is 650 it’s due the first of the month ouija board: F U C K
12.
i have 3 moods
13.
My debit card feels more like a gift card...not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
14.
a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed
15.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
16.
WHEN I SAY “TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME” THAT MEANS LEMME KNOW CAUSE I CARE & WANNA BE SURE YOUR ASS IS SAFE BITCH
17.
My friend’s mum was at the animal welfare league and apparently there's a cat that lives in the ceiling
18.
last night i ordered a vanilla iced coffee at tim hortons and the guy handed it to me and said “is that good? i can add more vanilla if you need me to. just let me know and i will” and now i think he’s the only person that cares about me
19.
my 8 yr old neighbor saw my new keychain and said “is that your boyfriend?????”
20.
this photo is the most New York City thing i've ever seen: a person sitting on a subway bench and looking at their phone/reading their book while a literal ceiling is COLLAPSED in front of them https://t.co/QlYWx5dNFv
21.
I was just in an uber pool with a couple going to their WEDDING and they had the audacity to be mad at ME for joining the pool even though they chose UBER POOL on their WEDDING DAY
22.
before you unfollow me, you’re legally obligated to dm me the tweet that sent you over the edge
23.
we play hide and seek at Walmart for fun.......... it’s fine
24.
waking up after sleeping with a tank top on
25.
meanwhile showering at your boyfriends, he only got one bottle of 3 in 1 You be coming out stale as shit https://t.co/ZhekG6Ms1J
26.
i can already hear this song being played on the radio every twenty minutes https://t.co/j0TqG9fw1P
27.
I dated this guy in high school and he told me he wanted me to meet someone. I was so excited. And then he pulled into the grave yard and we sat on his grandpas grave and he told me he would’ve loved me and honestly that’s something I’ll never forget.
28.
I’m 100% convinced my grandma was the reason Mexico won
29.
i can't marry myself. https://t.co/eR2ReaLP90