1.
I hate when my son marries my damn wife
2.
I put in a request slip to get June 13th off. And I just got the email that said it got denied. June 13th is my birthday and I work for my mother.
3.
This bumble claw crane with no prizes is a chilling metaphor
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5.
Goose DGAF:
6.
*question answered, next dude steps up to mic* Hi, this is not so much a question and more of a-- *trap door opens, he plummets. Slurping sounds and screams are cut off by the sealing of the floor above him* *brief hiatus as two-thirds of the line return to their seats*
7.
this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”
8.
my dog’s best friend is a brick
9.
This woman was walking around NYC with this label on her shoe and now she's my wife
10.
i am: ⚪️ straight ⚪️ gay ⚪️ bi 🔘 pregant? 🔘 pragnent? 🔘 pargant? 🔘 gregnant? 🔘 pegnate?? Help!? 🔘 pegrent? 🔘 pregegnant? 🔘 pregonate? 🔘 prengan? 🔘 prregnant???? 🔘 can u get pregante...? 🔘 pergert? 🔘 will my get pragnan? 🔘 if a women has starch masks
11.
I just learned that there are harvest mice that sleep in tulip petals. There is good in the world.
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13.
DRAKE: “My name is Drake and I’m here to say / let’s diss pusha in a crazy way!” PUSHA: “Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia.”
14.
ALL MY NON-BRA-WEARING FRIENDS LOOK AWAY (whispers) ok whoever's left, is there a technical term for when you have a Bra Incident and you end up with either smashboob or fourboob and you can't fix it right away is the word i'm looking for calamatitty
15.
The maker of Ambien just announced its newest side effect is sick burns.
16.
“911, I’d like to report a drug dealer. He’s also having a BBQ. and dealing drugs. It’s a drugs BBQ. Please hurry”
17.
THEY PUT OUR SCHOOL'S THERAPY DOG IN THE YEARBOOK
18.
insane that we don’t have one long weekend each month
19.
this is a public lecture I thought about going to tonight but fuck, what a notification
20.
a swedish guy in my japanese school: you know, sex is like pizza; even when it's bad, it's good girls in my class (me included): *awkward silence* an italian girl: you know, i don't even agree about the pizza part
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22.
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out. today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy. after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
23.
I spent way too long staring at this shirt in H&M trying to figure out what new queer slang this was
24.
People: Dua Lipa's music doesn't fit into the UEFA Champions League Liverpool fans:
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26.
been thinking about..... Him
27.
Come downs come down Bitch