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Here Are Some Of The Best Tweets By Women This Week

"Insane that we don’t have one long weekend each month."

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I hate when my son marries my damn wife

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I put in a request slip to get June 13th off. And I just got the email that said it got denied. June 13th is my birthday and I work for my mother.

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This bumble claw crane with no prizes is a chilling metaphor

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*question answered, next dude steps up to mic* Hi, this is not so much a question and more of a-- *trap door opens, he plummets. Slurping sounds and screams are cut off by the sealing of the floor above him* *brief hiatus as two-thirds of the line return to their seats*

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this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”

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This woman was walking around NYC with this label on her shoe and now she's my wife

10.

i am: ⚪️ straight ⚪️ gay ⚪️ bi 🔘 pregant? 🔘 pragnent? 🔘 pargant? 🔘 gregnant? 🔘 pegnate?? Help!? 🔘 pegrent? 🔘 pregegnant? 🔘 pregonate? 🔘 prengan? 🔘 prregnant???? 🔘 can u get pregante...? 🔘 pergert? 🔘 will my get pragnan? 🔘 if a women has starch masks

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I just learned that there are harvest mice that sleep in tulip petals. There is good in the world.

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DRAKE: “My name is Drake and I’m here to say / let’s diss pusha in a crazy way!” PUSHA: “Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia.”

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ALL MY NON-BRA-WEARING FRIENDS LOOK AWAY (whispers) ok whoever's left, is there a technical term for when you have a Bra Incident and you end up with either smashboob or fourboob and you can't fix it right away is the word i'm looking for calamatitty

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The maker of Ambien just announced its newest side effect is sick burns.

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“911, I’d like to report a drug dealer. He’s also having a BBQ. and dealing drugs. It’s a drugs BBQ. Please hurry”

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17.

THEY PUT OUR SCHOOL'S THERAPY DOG IN THE YEARBOOK

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insane that we don’t have one long weekend each month

19.

this is a public lecture I thought about going to tonight but fuck, what a notification

20.

a swedish guy in my japanese school: you know, sex is like pizza; even when it's bad, it's good girls in my class (me included): *awkward silence* an italian girl: you know, i don't even agree about the pizza part

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at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out. today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy. after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

23.

I spent way too long staring at this shirt in H&M trying to figure out what new queer slang this was

24.

People: Dua Lipa's music doesn't fit into the UEFA Champions League Liverpool fans:

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Come downs come down Bitch