1.
Girls don’t actually shop we just walk round touching the clothes saying ‘this is cute’
2.
Mirror mirror who the fairest? You the motherfucking fairest.
3.
therapy: -expensive -sounds boring saying “that’s just showbiz baby”: -free -sounds tight as fuck
4.
LOOK AT THE SQUIDGE
5.
One time at a party sophomore year I asked a guy if I could hit his vape and he said “this is my insulin pen, I have diabetes” and I think about it everyday
6.
Good Afternoon. My parents’ dog locked himself in the shower and spent the better part of an hour trying to lick his way out.... https://t.co/bj2RKMcaY8
7.
every white boy in a teen film when someone compliments them: *scoffs* yeah well tell that to my dad.... 😔
8.
This tweet inspired me to learn the difference between 'into' and 'in to'
9.
My dad just called and said “I see you, last one to papas pizza loses.” He’s going 90 in a 55, gets pulled over. I’m dying bc he’s gonna get a ticket and I’m gonna win. Next thing I know this man flys by me and is getting a POLICE ESCORT TO PAPPAS PIZZA.. I’m so done.
10.
I thought she was going to slap me but instead....
11.
i just saw a guy in the library cry for five or so minutes and then his phone alarm went off and he just? stopped crying? and went right on back to work
12.
My daughter has started a story and ‘Rebecca’ no longer has the greatest opening lines in literature.
13.
ooh look at me im george or well. 1984 sounds like a future year to me because im a dead asshole. i think animals can talk
14.
couples on halloween this year smh
15.
in life you gotta yee the haw before the haw yee’s u
16.
I’m a school photographer and we got to take a service dog’s picture for the yearbook today 😭😭😭
17.
it’s finally october that means michael bublé is defrosting as we speak
18.
for about a year, i’ve been collecting the best white boy names i’ve seen on tinder. this is the outcome:
19.
For Halloween imma be a pillow since everyone loves to sleep on me gn
20.
LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT
21.
katy perry really asked us if we ever felt like a plastic bag. she really asked us that
22.
this is really my mom’s contacts in her phone.... how many susans does she know? how does she know which susan to call??? I really am concerned https://t.co/EdiKnZdFR4
23.
when my mom was pregnant with me she was 22, working two jobs, and going to school just so she could provide for me and here the fuck i am on twitter making jokes about moths
24.
GUYS LOOK AT MY CAR FRESHENER!!!!!!
25.
My mom sent me this pic of my dogs tonight and suddenly this is all I can think about
26.
My roommate meal prepped HIS FUCKIN CEREAL lmaooooo