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26 Things You Should Never, Ever Do In The Women's Room

Etiquette for you next trip to the water factory.

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1. Loudly eat an apple while sitting on the toilet. Then stick your hand under the stall and offer your stallmate a bite. If they are resistant, tell them, "Don't worry, I washed it."

2. Flush the toilet over and over and say, "Doesn't this sound just like the ocean?"

3. Knock on the stall wall and ask, "Hey, does yours have one of these silver cookie jars on the wall?" Then pause and scream, "THESE AREN'T COOKIES."

4. Wrap your arm in toilet paper and ask other patrons to sign your cast.

5. Ask someone when the fecal midwife will be arriving.

6. Stand by the sinks and turn the water on for people who are about to wash their hands. If they try to tip you, just say, "Oh, no thank you. I'm not in this for the money."

7. Wait by the bathroom door and when people walk in, ask, "How many items?" Then escort them to a stall and hang a numbered plastic tag on the door.

8. Go into a stall and ask the person next to you, "Hey, do you have any toilet paper?" If they offer to give you some say, "Oh, no thank you. I won't be needing any."

9. Wear the protective seat cover as a necklace and host a fashion show in the bathroom.

10. Hold a Ziploc bag under the hand dryer. Then close it off and tell people you're "Saving it for later."

11. Flush the toilet and start chanting an ancient prayer in Latin.

12. Come out of the stall completely soaking wet. Lock eyes with someone washing their hands and say, "It's my first time."

13. Ask someone with complete sincerity where the urinal is.

14. Go into a stall and wait about two minutes. Scream as loud as you can. Then stop and say, "False alarm."

15. Kick open a bathroom stall and proclaim a little too loudly that you definitely know how to use a toilet. Then whisper to yourself, "This is a sit-down model, right?"

16. Write a frantic note to a mermaid on a square of toilet paper and flush it down the toilet so it'll go to the ocean. Don't let anyone use that stall until you get a reply.

17. Bring a framed photograph of Barack Obama and hang it on the jacket hook in the stall. Explain to anyone who asks that you like him to watch over you at all times.

18. Bring a CD player and ask if anyone minds that you play your birthing mix on full volume.

19. When you're sitting on the toilet knock on the stall wall and ask where you're supposed to put the money in.

20. Stick your hand under the stall and tell the occupant you need to hold their hand because "This one's a doozy."

21. When you're washing your hands, lean over to the person next to you and say, "Hey, uh, I know it's a little late now but...are you supposed to flush the toilet paper?"

22. Wash your hands up to your wrists. Then your elbows. Then your shoulders and armpits.

23. Emerge from the stall with toilet paper coming out of your pockets and say to someone, "Can you believe they're just GIVING this stuff away?!"

24. Make yourself a wedding dress out of toilet paper and hang the extra from the ceiling like party streamers. When people enter ask them if they wouldn't mind putting their gifts on the gift table and then gesture to the garbage can.

25. Throw all the coins in your pocket into the toilet and audibly wish for good poops.

26. If there are multiple stalls in the bathroom and the last one is occupied, take the stall directly next to it like some kind of unfeeling MONSTER.

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