1.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
2.
I was high and this looked like the fish from spongebob
3.
When Canadians fight on Twitter.
4.
THE PIKACHU REACHED OUT TO PET MY HEAD?????? IM NO SURE WHY BUT I ACCEPTED IT
5.
My son wrote "thicc" on my patio 56 times.
6.
fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we'd shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun
7.
Is this what private schools are like?
8.
me: *heelies into my therapists office sipping a pina colada* maurice you're not gonna fucking believe this
9.
Graduated with a 9.0 Gpa, 80,000,000$ dollars in scholarships, 2 Grammys, Olympic gold medalist, and went 2xPlatinu… https://t.co/pbkvUm4cc2
10.
Wanna feel old? This is Hanson now.
11.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
12.
I CANT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME IM SCREAMING
13.
COWORKER: hey how are u ME (in his face): stop asking me questions i dont know answers to, greg
14.
why have I made this.
15.
If white people have no culture why does Spicy Water exist 😤😤😤
16.
If you can have soup in a bread bowl there's absolutely no reason why you can't have a hot tub in a bigger bread bowl.
17.
just cracking open a cold one with the boys
18.
yeah i smoke weed W - mom E - pick E- me up D - this party is scary
19.
What is she thinking?
20.
Yes, finally a swimsuit that allows me to sneak a ham poolside.
21.
Me: hey Person with clear skin: honestly😭 its just water
22.
Smokin a blunt I see some disrespectful ass flies havin sex on my foot
23.
I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Hello Dying my name's Dad
24.
Me: I've gotta eat better *tries brown rice*
25.
It's weird to think people who are 5ft are only 5 subways long
26.
I texted the phone number one above mine and
27.
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.
28.
"you're all probably wondering why I've brought you here today"
29.
unfollow me now if you play the flute, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. clarinet players can stay but you're on fucking thin ice
30.
me too bitch you're not special
31.
I got called pretty today, actually the full statement was "youre pretty dumb" but im only focusing on positive things today