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25 Dead Giveaways That You're An American Tourist In London

Written by me, an insufferable American tourist.

1. You giggle everytime the tube announces the stop at Cockfosters.

2. You went all the way to King's Cross just to take this photo:

3. And you've held up traffic on Abbey Road taking this photo:

4. You forget to use your Oyster to exit the Tube and cause massive delays.

5. You mimic everyone's accent.

6. You hire a Boris Bike and ride it on the pavement so pedestrians have to dive out your way.

7. You assume all the barmen in London are really friendly but it's just because you're severely over-tipping them.

8. You look the wrong way before crossing the street.

9. You hear people talking about football and you ask which NFL teams they like.

10. You get disappointed when someone offers you a biscuit and doesn't hand you one of these buttery, flaky delights:

11. You're the only one on the street without an umbrella when this happens:


13. You compliment someone's pants and they look mortified.

14. You're the only one talking above a whisper on the Tube.

15. You ask with utter sincerity when you're going to see the queen.

16. You order your beer chilled because you heard horror stories about how they serve their drinks room temperature.

It's cellar temperature, which is the same temperature they serve draughts in America.

17. And when you order tap water at a restaurant, you're appalled there's no ice in it.

18. You go to the newsagent just to check out the third page of The Sun.

19. When an event starts at 18:00, you're thrown into a panic.

20. You comment how much fun it is to pay for everything with "Monopoly money."

21. When you ask for chips, you wonder what's taking them so long to hand you a freaking packet.

22. When you ask someone for the bathroom and they point to this sign, you repeat yourself.

23. Conversely when you hear a Londoner say they were in the toilet, you imagine this:

24. You ask when it's tea time.

25. You get too drunk at the pub and attempt to start a round of "God Bless America."