PUPPIES VS. BABIES

Puppies versus babies - which is better? Here are some compelling arguments.

If you know me personally (my apologies if you do), you know how fond I am of babies. By the way, readers, have you met my very good friend SARCASM? Just to be clear, babies and I do not mix. They are annoying, attention-starved, codependent monsters (hmm, put that way, babies sound a lot like me; sans the "monsters" part).

Puppies, on the other hand, are tremendous. They are cute, cuddly and impossible to ignore. Hmm, that also sounds like me.

Of course, these are generalizations. Not all babies are annoying, just as not all puppies are cute. However, after an exhaustive study (conducted by yours truly), I have concluded my generalizations are 94.5% and 99.89% accurate for puppies and babies, respectively. I ask you to please trust the research and do not contact me for actual physical evidence of my findings. I … uh … misplaced my documents.

Now that we have determined my generalizations are over 90% accurate, I feel extremely confident in the following statement: puppies are better than babies - and not just in terms of my study-backed generalizing statements. Here is further proof that you should consider raising a puppy rather than propagating the world with your seed:

POTTY TRAINING A PUPPY - A CHALLENGE

thehousebreaker.com

Constant reinforcement required, but once taught the yard is their toilet, they pretty much stick to that lesson.

POTTY TRAINING A BABY - VERY HARD

blogger.com

Various stages are required. Diapers come first, then huggies, then after several years of training, they can finally use the toilet on their own.

COMMUNICATION WITH PUPPY - ENJOYABLE

socialinfluenceconsultinggroup.com.au

Once properly trained, when you tell your dog to sit, it will obey. Also, dogs don’t talk back.

COMMUNICATION WITH BABY - AWFUL

photos1.blogger.com

Once a kid has learned how to speak, it won’t stop, it won’t listen and will talk incessantly about nothing; and you’re supposed to act like what it is saying is interesting. “Yes, cutie, I love that awful artwork you made out of macaroni and glue.”

EDUCATING A PUPPY - SIMPLE

caulfieldvet.com.au

All you need to do for your dog’s education is teach him or her a few simple commands; sit, stay, pee, and poo will do. Once these are mastered, your dog has graduated from doggie college.

EDUCATING A BABY - DRAINING

blogger.com

There are twelve grades of education your kid needs to go through just to get out of the house and go to college. All along the way, you’re supposed to help this thing learn the material. Plus pay for it. Draining in every sense of the word.

RELATIONSHIPS & PUPPIES - AVOIDABLE

i596.photobucket.com

Don’t want your dog to get humped by another dog; don’t take it to a dog park. Case closed.

RELATIONSHIPS & BABIES - UNAVOIDABLE

asset.chatbazaar.com

Don’t want your kid to get humped by another kid; sorry, your kid will hump or get humped no matter what you want. Case closed.

DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION FROM PUPPIES - ALWAYS

zonters.com

If you treat your dog well and shower him or her with love, you will be loved by your dog forever - unconditionally.

DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION FROM BABIES - FLUCTUATES

affordablehousinginstitute.org

If you treat your kid well and shower it with love, you’ll be lucky to hear “I love you” once a year after it hits puberty.

To me, it seems quite clear having puppies are much more preferable than having kids. Another added bonus; you can always get rid of a puppy if you're unhappy with it. Kids are harder to jettison - especially legally.

For these reasons, I plan on having puppies rather than kids. Crap. I've gotta go. The damn dog just vomited on the rug.