32 Unbelievable Confessions About Masturbation

“The danger end of an 1885 Springfield Musket.”

We asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the weirdest thing they’ve ever used to masturbate. Here are the ~innovative~ results.

1. A Harry Potter wand

Warner Bros

A *surprising* number of people said they used a plastic Harry Potter wand to make a little magic of their own.

“My Elder wand replica from the Harry Potter studios. There’s now a small chip at the base of the wand.” – Anonymous

2. A makeup brush

– Submitted by Anonymous

Those blending skills have more than one use.

3. A Nokia

Clive Darra / Via Flickr: osde-info

“Nokia phone on vibrate! Almost got it stuck when I clenched. Fortunately I’ve got an actual vibrator now and it’s no longer a nightmare.” – Anonymous

According to other submissions, any brand of phone will do, as long as it vibrates.

4. A pen

“My first experience with aided masturbation was with a Squiggle pen. Seriously. (To ease concern: No penetration was involved.)” – Anonymous

“A wiggle writer; one of those pens that produces little springy patterns as you write. It works by vibrating (hard), and the pen ‘nib’ is as big as a finger, so…” – Anonymous

“When I was younger I tried to use a pen as a dildo.” – Charmaine Burfsee

5. A curling tong

– Submitted by Anonymous

One or two people used a straightener, but the curling tong was by far the more popular choice.

No matter the tool though, one message came through loud and clear: Make sure it is turned off before you put it anywhere near your private parts.

6. A banana

American Broadcasting Company

“I have used a few things in my time. Hairbrush handles, cucumbers, the neck of a wine bottle. The worst one for me was a banana. I didn’t put a condom on it and it split inside me. Oh my gosh. The pain. Bananas HURT.” – Anonymous

7. Mascara

– Submitted by Anonymous

No elaboration needed.

8. An electric toothbrush

Colgate

“I used to have an old electric toothbrush that I would use with the handle of a hairbrush that was ridged. Worked pretty well to the point that this was my method for well over a year.” – Anonymous

9. A PlayStation controller

Farley Santos / Via Flickr: farusantos

– Submitted by Anonymous

Results were pretty evenly split between PS3 and Xbox 360 handsets.

10. Tickle Me Elmo

“When I was young, I used to use a Tickle Me Elmo. It was my first experience with vibrations.” – Anonymous

11. A hairbrush

Disney

“The end of a hairbrush. Afterwards, I noticed a round circle cap at the end of it was missing. Found it a few days later and had to dig it out… ” – Anonymous

12. A spoon

Twitter / Via Twitter: @romainqcz

“A spoon. Not the curvy end. Pro tip: Check it’s not freezing first.” – Anonymous

13. A Clarisonic

“The handle from my Clarisonic. It vibrates. What else can I say?” – Anonymous

14. A TV remote

Pixar

– Submitted by Anonymous

Now you know why you can never find the remote.

15. A cucumber

Andrew Fogg / Via Flickr: ndrwfgg

– Submitted by Anonymous

The organic way to get off.

16. Deodorant

“When I moved to my first house I didn’t remember the box my vibrator was in, so I opened the first box I found and I used a deodorant… Now sometimes I actually use that instead of my vibrator.” – Anonymous

17. A snorkel

Big Pine Key Fishing Lodge / Via Flickr: 128257476@N02

– Submitted by Anonymous

Everything’s better, down where it’s wetter, take it from me…

18. A Lolly

“My friend bought me a penis-shaped lolly from the seaside, which I was extremely grateful for one evening.” – Anonymous

“A friend of mine once used an ice lolly during sex and then described it to me as one of the worst experiences of her life. In agonising detail.”
– Cara Ballingall

19. A Cuban cigar

Alex Brown / Via Flickr: alexbrn

“I once used a Cuban cigar in a case as a makeshift dildo.” – Anonymous

20. Ice

Disney

“Ice cubes. Still my favourite orgasms.” – Anonymous

21. A bunk bed

Spidey2012 / Via Flickr: 61224238@N02

“I used to rub myself against the steps on my bunk bed. My sister slept on the top bunk and used the steps daily.” – Anonymous

22. Barbie

Mattel

“I first discovered masturbation when I was 12, and among my early experiments was using the legs of a Barbie doll….” – Anonymous

23. A screwdriver

Mark Hunter / Via Flickr: toolstop

“I once used the handle end of one of my dad’s screwdrivers. After I used it I put it back in his toolbox.” – Anonymous

24. A teddy bear

– Submitted by Anonymous

Childhood = ruined.

25. A lava lamp

Dean Hochman / Via Flickr: deanhochman

“I’m fairly boring when it comes to getting myself off, but my partner’s list of teenage … accessories is impressive, and includes the top of a lava lamp (which got pretty mangled in the process) and a zip – ‘Closed, of course – I didn’t want to give myself a clitoridectomy!’” – Anonymous

26. Crayons

Randen Pederson / Via Flickr: chefranden

“When I was first learning how to masturbate, I used a fat Crayola marker. But I still didn’t have my first orgasm until years later, using a cone-shaped bottle of lotion.” – Anonymous

27. A battery-operated manicure set

“My grandma bought me a battery powered manicure set where you add the different heads to either buff the nail or push the cuticles back. I shamelessly used this without a head on to masturbate, before I was old enough or brave enough to to go to Ann Summers!” – Anonymous

28. A beer bottle

Bud Light

It didn’t stop at beer. People have also used a bottle of wine, a bottle of Grey Goose, and a bottle of Bacardi rum to get themselves off.

“I was once so desperate I masturbated with a wine bottle.” – madi0592

“A bottle. Which someone then drank out of the next day. Sorry not sorry.” – Anonymous

29. A 1885 Springfield musket

“The danger end of an 1885 Springfield Musket (it was during my re-enactment years).” – Anonymous

WOW.

30. A lightsaber

20th Century Fox

“I once masturbated with a toy lightsaber, and jokingly said (to hype myself up), ‘The Force is strong in me.’” – Anonymous

31. Balloons

“When I first discovered masturbation, I used to blow up the balloons that you could make animals out of and use them as makeshift dildos.” – Anonymous

32. A Boyzone action figure

“A Boyzone action figure. It was Stephen Gately.” – Anonymous

Here is a chart to show the most popular items. Spoiler alert: You may want to rethink borrowing that pen.

Flo Perry / Buzzfeed

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Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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