11 Cleaning Tips For Anyone Who Has The Sex

This is a public service announcement.

We're all adults here. So we can politely admit that sex can get a bit...messy.

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Your mom probably never taught you how to sanitize your dildos or how to get semen stains out of your favorite set of sheets. But no worries, we've got you covered. Unless otherwise indicated, most of the information we've included in this post comes from Jolie Kerr's fantastic book, My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag...and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha. It basically answers every cleaning question you've ever had, especially the ones you've been too embarrassed to ask anyone else about. And she's hilarious.

Here's everything you need to know about cleaning up the mess that sometimes happens during sex:

1. If any bodily fluids have got on your mattress, spray them with pet stain remover.

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The most important thing about cleaning a mattress is to use as little water as physically possible, because water can soak into your mattress and create mold, and, well, there's not much I can do to help you when that happens. If you're cleaning blood, slightly dampen a towel or sponge with hydrogen peroxide and dab at the stain. It'll take a while, so be patient, my child. Your best bet for urine or other fluid stains is an enzymatic cleaner or, more specifically, a pet stain cleaner. If the stain disappears but the odor lingers, sprinkle baking soda on the mattress, leave it there for about 30 minutes, then vacuum it up.

Get Nature's Miracle Stain & Odor Remover from Amazon for $4.63.

2. Or just get a mattress protector to avoid such a catastrophe altogether.

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First of all, I'd like you to take this as a learning experience. You need a mattress protector. The horror of mattress stains are entirely avoidable. So if you or a loved one does not own a mattress protector, please stop what you are doing and go buy one. If it's too late to say "I told you so," we can still solve this issue without too much drama.

This mattress protector is waterproof, hypoallergenic, and has almost 30,000 positive reviews. Get it from Amazon for $26.95.

3. Sanitize some of your sex toys in the top rack of the dishwasher.

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Silicone, metal, and pyrex can handle the heat. Any toy that is rubber, jelly, glass, or battery-powered is a no-go. And don't use detergent, because that can be too abrasive for the materials. You can also boil them all in a giant pot for 10 minutes if you don't have a dishwasher. Just to be safe, always check the care instructions before determining how you're going to clean your toys. Learn more here.

4. Clean porous or battery-powered toys with warm water and mild soap either in the sink or with a washcloth.

@theoysterknife / Via Instagram: @theoysterknife

You shouldn't be submerging battery-powered toys unless they're waterproof — just rinse them under the faucet or use a washcloth. It's also a good idea to remove the batteries, just in case.

5. When in doubt, think: Would I put that in my body?

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When cleaning your toys, you never want to use any cleaning substances that you wouldn't put in your body. That means don't soak your dildos in bleach, don't spray your vibrators with Windex, and don't use rubbing alcohol on your butt plugs.

6. Pretreat a fresh semen stain with chlorine-free bleach.

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Chlorine turns protein stains like semen yellow, which nobody wants. Start by removing any excess semen, being careful not to spread it around. Then, soak the fabric in oxygenated bleach (like OxiClean) for one to six hours. Next, wash as usual. If the stain is on something that can't go in the washing machine, dip a clean towel in the bleach and gently blot the stain. Let it sit for about five minutes, then blot again with a damp towel.

7. Clean your leather harnesses after every use with baby wipes.

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Leather is pretty sensitive to water, so you don't wanna be throwing these in the washing machine or anything. Baby wipes have very little moisture, so they won't damage the harness. Send it to the dry cleaner if you're only just learning about this trick and your harness needs a deep clean. Don't be embarrassed; they've seen everything. If your leather goods are vegan, you're in luck, because they probably are machine-washable!

8. And condition your harness with mink oil.

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Mink oil is to leather what moisturizer is to your skin. It prevents the leather from dryness and cracking, and keeps it durable and feeling soft. It also adds a layer of protection from dirt, water, and grease.

After cleaning the harness with baby wipes, warm it up a bit with a blow dryer, as this will help the leather absorb more moisture. The mink oil is solid and waxy at room temperature so you'll want to warm it up, too. Dip a microfiber towel in the oil and rub it all over the leather in a circular motion. Wipe any excess oil off the metal parts and then store the harness to let the oil set in overnight.

You can also repeat these steps on all of your leather goods! Your jackets, purses, shoes, and couches will all last a lot longer if you keep them conditioned. Learn more here.

Get mink oil from Amazon for $6.75.

9. Soak your silk underwear in white vinegar to keep it feeling soft.

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Silk is tricky, but it’s not impossible to wash it at home. Whether you're hand-washing or throwing it in the machine, you don't want to involve any heat. You should also be using a very small amount of delicate detergent and only washing it with other silk items. Bonus points if you add a tablespoon of white vinegar to the water, as this will help maintain the look and feel of the silk. If you follow those rules your silk is safe in your hands.

10. Soak lube-stained fabric in watered-down dishwasher detergent.

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Silicone-based lube has its benefits compared to water-based lube — it can be used in water and doesn't usually need to be reapplied — but it's an absolute bitch to clean up. So if you find laundry abhorrent, you may want to stick to the water-based lube and just apply it more frequently. You can pretreat those stains with a bit of laundry detergent. NBD.

Luckily, if you're into the silicone stuff, there are still a bunch of options for cleaning out the inevitable stains. If you've got Cascade dish soap on hand, squirt a bit into a bucket of water and let the item soak overnight before laundering. For old, set-in stains, try Soilove stain remover. It's supposed to eliminate a bunch of stains including grease aka lube. Learn more here.

Get two bottles of Soilove from Amazon for $10.50.

11. Shit happens, but it doesn't have to ruin your day (or your sheets).

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I'm not any happier than you are to be having this discussion, but here we are. If you're cleaning up poop, the one saving grace is you can easily pretreat it with OxiClean or borax. Next, throw it in the wash and forget it ever happened.

Check out 30 Things Sexperts Want You To Know About Anal Sex if you want a bit more info about preventing or reducing leakage.

Read more:

• Here's The Right Kind Of Lube For Every Kind Of Sex

• 9 Tips You Should Know Before Having Anal Sex For The First Time

• Everything You Need To Know About Washing And Caring For Your Bras