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Litchfield was full of disorderly conduct this year. Warning: MAJOR SPOILERS for Season 2.
Yes, that is Lori Petty.
But only after she convinces Piper to perjure herself on the stand.
And thinks she's going to be set up with a job after her release ("They're gonna hook me up with a real job. I'm gonna be like an assistant to Judge Joe Brown or one of those TV judges, or maybe even Judy.") — but instead only gets $10 at the commissary.
And NO ONE notices.
But it makes it look like a fair fight, so Piper is very grateful to her. Particularly as it means that the administration doesn't have to file any paperwork about the incident.
And little Taystee is witty and wise beyond her years.
There is a very confusing discussion about how many holes a woman has down there.
After it's revealed that she and Christopher only went on one date, Morello drives off in the prison van to Christopher's house, steals a wedding invitation and teddy bear off his and his fiancée's bed, tries on his fiancée's veil, and falls asleep in their bathtub...before waking up to voices and sneaking out through the second floor window.
And non-natural items begin sprouting up in her plant pots, like gummy bears.
Just a reminder, that's Piper's ex-fiancé and her married best friend.
Though Nicky tells Taystee it's not that time of the month, she convinces her to open the tampon. BOOM. Cigarette time.
It's not exactly a high-stakes bank job, but she can still enjoy the smell of the cash.
And in a chit-writing mood!
The friendship, such as it was, doesn't last long though and Vee leaves Red with a few broken ribs and a punctured lung.
With his "flaccid dick in [her] mouth," no less.
Except for Big Boo, who's a Big Bitch.
But Grandmother would approve because they're getting a lot of use out of the flowers, Cal points out.
Piper lies to her, telling Red all about the market's success, because she's a good bunkmate.
* tears, tears, tears *
He screams to the entire prison that he loves her and vows to return.
She goes out feeling like a rock star (but that's probably mostly due to her lack of food and coherent thoughts).
But instead of admitting the mistake, Red portrays the attack as a warning to Vee.
And the two get into a wild, physical battle on the cold loading dock.
FINALLY!
And even though Caputo (Nick Sandow) catches her, Piper just gets a night in the SHU and Caputo gives the papers to the warden. Bye-bye, Fig!
But with no witnesses and Red refusing to snitch, Vee pins the incident on Crazy Eyes.
"Suck my dick," Caputo says as Fig begs him to give back the papers. "OK," she responds. WHAH?
He gets Luschek (Matt Peters) to create a fake work order that would show Crazy Eyes was in the warehouse and not the greenhouse at the time of Red's attack. Healy! Who knew you had it in you!
People out on parole aren't supposed to have guns. And Piper snitches on Alex in order to get her sent back to Litchfield. (With some help from Larry and Polly.)
"Go fast," Morello advises on how Rosa can make it out of the prison without being caught.
Vee was "rude" to Rosa and payback is a bitch. Oh, the irony.