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33 Things Kim Kardashian Has 100% Actually Said

"Stretch marks are my biggest fear of life."

1. On her fears: "Stretchmarks are my biggest fear of life."

2. On emotion: "I'll cry at the end of the day, not with fresh makeup."

3. On Spanx: "I always pee all over my Spanx. It's a disaster. They aren't crotchless enough!"

4. On Instagram: "People who post lots of quotes have major issues. I can't take all the quotes in my feed. Twitter is OK but Instagram is for pics!"

5. On makeup: "I hate it when women wear the wrong foundation colour. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light."

6. On her mother: "I rented my mom a monkey for the week because she had a syndrome where she missed children in the house."

7. On conception: "I think if I'm 40 and I don't have any kids and I'm not married, I would have a baby artificially inseminated. I would feel like Mary – like Jesus is my baby."

8. On going blonde: "They say I look like a different ethnicity."

9. On marital support: "Kanye always says 'Dress sexier!' He's always the most encouraging."

10. On considering buying Elizabeth Taylor's former home: "It was just so enchanting, with a garden with really pretty trellises and beautiful roses."

11. On choosing not to buy it: "It wasn't realistic for me to purchase. It only had a one-car garage."

12. On posing: "In recent years I'm, like, too cool for duck face. So that doesn't happen."

13. On North West's dress sense: "North doesn't like pink or purple. She likes greys, creams, oatmeal colours and black."

14. On pregnancy weight gain: "I'd think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying, 'Kim, you think you're so hot but look what I can do to you.'"

15. On terms of endearment: "I'm honoured that Kanye calls me his 'Perfect Bitch.' I love it. I know he doesn't mean it in a negative way when he says that word."

16. On rumours: "I read that I was obsessed with killing racoons."

17. On politics: "I had dinner with Obama once, and he just seemed very firm about the change, and that's, like, his motto."

18. On ignorance: "It annoys me whenever someone says, 'What do you actually do?' All I think is, 'How are you so ignorant that you don't know?' I mean, what an uneducated question."

19. On being a man for a day: "If I was a man, I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like hitting it from the back."

20. On acting: "I would, like, die to be in Twilight."

21. On the colour white: "White is actually one of my favourite colours. I have a white car. I love white."

22. On being photographed in a bikini: "There are paparazzi everywhere, that's a fact. If I go out in bright sunlight all my cellulite will be lit up and visible. If it's overcast, you can't see it."

23. On pregnancy complications: "If labour's worse than this I'll hang myself. I'll literally take a knife and slit my throat."

24. On naming her new baby South West: "North has a better direction. I don't think we'll go with another direction. I think South is so stupid. It's the stupidest thing ever."

25. On blessings: "I feel really blessed because I genuinely love the process of getting my hair and makeup done."

26. On mornings: "The first person I talk to is Kanye because he's right there next to me in bed. I'll say, 'Do you want to go for a run?' And he usually does. Or he won't because he has a workout. So we'll just talk about that. Then kisses."

27. On buying Kourtney a pair of shoes: "I'm not buying her a fucking pair of shoes — I bought her a fucking career."

28. On her music career: "What gave me the right to think I could be a singer?"

29. On her lack of tattoos: "Honey, would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?!"

30. On long nails: "I just feel like I can't function in the real world with long nails."

31. On the media: "I couldn't care less if they said I was pregnant with twins by my brother."

32. On underwear: "I only just started wearing underwear a month ago, and I never wore underwear until then."

33. On her talent: "Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he's talented, but he's not famous. Do you know what I mean?"

❤️ you, Kim.