Amanda Kloots Shared The Heartbreaking Letter She's Written To Her 1-Year-Old Son Explaining Nick Cordero's Death

    Nick died from coronavirus complications on Sunday. His and Amanda's son, Elvis, turned 1 last month.

    Ellie Woodward
    by Ellie Woodward

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Amanda Kloots has shared an emotional letter to her 1-year-old son days after her husband, Nick Cordero, died from coronavirus complications.

    Mike Coppola / Getty Images

    The Tony-nominated star of Bullets Over Broadway, Waitress, and Rock of Ages died on Sunday at the age of 41 after being hospitalised in March.

    Vivien Killilea / Getty Images

    Amanda had documented Nick's experience of COVID-19 on Instagram throughout his time in hospital. On April 1, she posted that Nick was unconscious and in intensive care despite having no preexisting health conditions.

    A month later she revealed Nick had "suffered an infection that caused his heart to stop ... had two mini strokes, went on ECMO, went on dialysis, needed surgery to [remove] an ECMO cannula that was restricting blood flow to his leg, a fasciotomy to relieve pressure on the leg, an amputation of his right leg, an MRI to further investigate brain damage, several bronchial sweeps to clear out his lungs, a sepsis infection causing septic shock, a fungus in his lungs, holes in his lungs, a tracheostomy, blood clots, low blood count and platelet levels, and a temporary pacemaker to assist his heart."

    Amanda shared the news of Nick's death on Instagram, writing that while her husband had died "surrounded in love by his family", she was "in disbelief and hurting everywhere".

    Now Amanda has given fans an update on how she's coping, firstly sharing a handwritten letter she's penned to her and Nick's son, which explains everything that's happened over the last few months, for him to process when he's older.

    "I miss him so much," the letter read. "I miss his voice, hugs, kisses, smiles, silliness. I wish quarantine would have had the three of us together every day. We must look for the silver linings in life, son. Life is never perfect, things happen we will never understand. Look for lessons, keep moving. Find the beauty. Love, Mommy."

    Instagram: @amandakloots

    The letter to Elvis followed an open letter Amanda wrote to Nick back in May, expressing just how much she missed him.

    "Dear Nick, I miss you so much," the letter read. "I miss holding your hand. I miss your gnocchi dinners. I miss watching tv with you at night and always falling asleep on your lap in five minutes. I miss laughing with you. I miss seeing you with Elvis. I can't wait to have you home. #day37."

    Amanda also shared heart-wrenching footage of Elvis watching videos of Nick on a phone.

    Instagram: @amandakloots

    "I was showing Elvis videos of Nick, and this one video was Nick talking, like leaving a voicemail message for a friend, but he had it saved on his phone," she explained. "And Elvis saw it and smiled and — I'm not even kidding you — leans in to the phone to give his dad a kiss, and then kept going. I kept playing the video again and he kept trying to press the button, and he just kept going in and out, kissing the phone and kissing his dad."

    "My heart, of course, just melted," she added. "But in a way, it just made me feel so good because it made me feel like he recognises Nick. He knows who he is and he recognises his dad, even though it's been over three months."

    And Amanda went on to open up about how she's processing her grief in a series of videos posted to her Instagram story.

    Instagram: @amandakloots

    "I'm a worker and a doer and I'm a creator and I press on, and I don't make excuses," she said. "But when you're grieving, you almost feel like, 'Am I allowing myself to grieve, or acknowledge what's happened and what's going on, and what the last three months of my life has been?'"

    "I just start to question myself about everything I'm experiencing right now, and how my day-to-day is so crazy, and so busy, and dealing with so much still, and how I'm able to do that," she went on. "But am I also acknowledging everything that has happened and acknowledging my sadness? And it oftentimes doesn't hit me until at night when I'm going to sleep."

    "I don't think there is a right answer to grief," she added. "It's so hard. It's so hard when it hits you, but I know it's going to get easier every day."