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26 Dark AF Kitchen Products To Match Your Soul

'Tis a torture chamber!

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1. An egg-otomically correct mold for slaying breakfast.

amazon.com

Promising review: "I tried this for the first time today and the eggs came out perfectly conformed to the template. My kids loved them, especially poking the eyes out and watching the yolk run all over the plate." —marcus orlowski

Get it from Amazon for $7.48.

2. A tea kettle with a pleasant whistle that won't compete with the screaming coming from the dungeon.

amazon.com

Promising review: "Very nice color...not a dull black. Not thin or lightweight. Pours easily..no drips. Whistles loud enough to hear...not a screaming sound." —Saturn08

Get it from Amazon for $19.99. / Also available in blood red.

3. A silicone spatula so durable you'd swear it's immortal.

amazon.com

Promising review: "The handles are nice and firm while the edges have that rubber flex that you want. Best of all, they are each an entire piece. No parts glued on to fall off later." —Carpenters

Get it from Amazon for $6.95. / Also available in blood red and chilling blue.

5. A hot-air popcorn popper with a warming tray up top for the blood of your enemies.

amazon.com

Promising review: "Nice and compact popper. Great for home or work. It fills one large bowl at a time and takes about two minutes to pop all the kernels." —Teej

Get it from Amazon for $19.90.

6. Some ghoulish flatware that's matte black, like your heart.

amazon.com

Promising review: "After six months all the flatware looks very good. I run it in the dishwasher, no problem. No spotting, staining or other irregularities." —Carole Ingram

Get a 20-piece set with service for four from Amazon for $75.03.

7. A dozen washable kitchen towels to add some variety to your all-black decor scheme, life.

amazon.com

Promising review: "Most dish towels will not hold any water at all, but these will actually soak up a fair amount and then wring out and dry easily." —Chris

Get the set of 12 from Amazon for $24.99.

8. A pair of skull ice molds to top off your elixir of choice.

amazon.com

Promising review: "These molds make nice large ice skulls that look very realistic." —Suzy Q

Get them from Amazon for $10.95. (They're made of food-safe silicone, and are dishwasher-, freezer-, oven-, and microwave-safe.)

10. A pour-over coffee dripper for when you take your coffee — and everything else — black.

amazon.com

Promising review: "This pour-over is ceramic, which means that all of the flavor from the beans will be delivered to your cup, and nothing more; plastic will take away from that. Ceramic also heats well, so if you run your pour-over through hot water first, you'll maintain a hot cup of fresh coffee as you pour your hot water over your grounds." —Robert Zippin

Get it from Amazon for $12.99. / Also available in ghostly white.

11. A set of ceramic coffee mugs approp for bone-chilling nights.

amazon.com

Promising review: "These are sturdy, stand up to a little bit of banging around, and they're beautiful. Microwavable and good for soup, too." —Poppaspank

Get them from Amazon for $23.39.

12. An aptly named cocktail book full of drink recipes so good you could just die.

food52.com

Promising review: "I've been interested in cocktails for a while, but this book took my interest and cocktail making to a new level. At first I didn't think I'd make many of the cocktails because so many included ingredients I didn't have, including infused liquors. I've now made many of the things you can make yourself, like multiple kinds of simple syrup, orgeat, etc. And if you don't have the exact ingredient, you can always try a substitute." —Glenn Ruhl

Get it from Amazon for $18.83 (hardcover) or Food52 for $40 (signed hardcover).

13. An immersion blender set with its own sleek little coffin, er...case.

amazon.com

Promising review: "I love the whisk, as well as the blender. Comes in a handy carrying case, which is convenient for when I travel." —P. Hauser

Get them from Amazon for $28.16.

14. A utensil holder to double as an ice bucket when you decide to take a break from red.

amazon.com

Promising review: "This holds a ton of utensils and is so large it could double as a wine cooler. Thinking of buying a second one for that use." —Michelle

Get it from Amazon for $19.95. / Also available in blood red.

15. A set of twisted glasses perf for sipping and staring into the abyss.

amazon.com

Promising review: "They feel really nice to hold and have a very modernist look as if they're from Deus Ex: Human Revolution or Blade Runner or something." —Devin

Get a set of four from Amazon for $15.99.

16. A ceramic pie bird that's a worthy sacrifice to the dessert gods.

amazon.com

Promising review: "It delivers what it promises: a well-cooked bottom crust. Makes for a fabulous conversation piece as well, as most people have never heard of a pie bird." —Denise Caparula

Get it from Amazon for $5.54. / Also available in blood red.

17. A French press bound to deliver potent caffeine.

amazon.com

Promising review: "This French press not only makes great coffee, but I love the design as well. I love that the carafe has no metal and can be used in the microwave by itself." —cmcilroy35

Get it from Amazon for $30.

20. A monochromatic cocktail shaker set for mixing up some Corpse Revivers.

urbanoutfitters.com

It includes a shaker with strainer, muddler, tongs, and jigger.

Get them from Urban Outfitters for $50.

21. A granite-like cutting board that only looks as cold as your heart.

amazon.com

Promising review: "This board is perfect for meats, I have a teak board but I always use this one for running meats and poultry, it is very sanitary and my knives haven't gone dull from using it. I have washed it in the dishwasher and it hasn't bent, which happened to another one I had." —Ricardo Carvalho

Get it from Amazon for $9.99+. / Available in three sizes.

22. An egg-head mold that gives new meaning to soaking up some knowledge.

amazon.com

Promising review: "This is an eggsellent product. At first I was a little chicken to buy it, but I broke out of my shell and went for it. I'm glad I did because my daughter was very eggcited to see her shaped lunch egg. It ended up being a running yolk at school." —Readmore McCarthy

Get it from Amazon for $7.45.

23. A set of steak knives with some real bite.

amazon.com

Promising review: "These are wonderful: nicely contoured handle ensures control, AND BOY ARE THESE SHARP!! They really do the job. Much better than my other two sets of knives." —Charlie X

Get the set of six from Amazon for $21.07.

25. A tipping teacup perched as precariously as one's mortality.

uncommongoods.com

Promising review: "Easily brew tea then tip cup to stop the brewing process! No messy teabag or leaving it in your cup to brew longer than you'd like!" —Hartface

Get it from Uncommon Goods for $20. / Also available in ghostly white.

26. And a limited-edition goth AF KitchenAid Stand Mixer.

kitchenaid.com[KSM180LEBK]-5965096/KSM180LEBK/

Here to fulfill all your darkest registry fantasies. BUT: KitchenAid is making only 500 in the US! It includes a 5-quart stainless steel mixing bowl, black-coated flat beater and dough hook, powered hub, tilt-head design, and 10 mixing speeds.

Get it (while you can) from KitchenAid for $999.99.

Or, get a slightly less-black KitchenAid mixer from Amazon for $302.49.

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