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26 Dark AF Kitchen Products To Match Your Soul

'Tis a torture chamber!

We hope you love the products we recommend! All of them were independently selected by our editors. Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page if you decide to shop from them. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Zoe Burnett / BuzzFeed

1. An egg-otomically correct mold for slaying breakfast.

Promising review: "I tried this for the first time today and the eggs came out perfectly conformed to the template. My kids loved them, especially poking the eyes out and watching the yolk run all over the plate." —marcus orlowski

Get it from Amazon for $7.48.

2. A tea kettle with a pleasant whistle that won't compete with the screaming coming from the dungeon.

Promising review: "Very nice color...not a dull black. Not thin or lightweight. Pours drips. Whistles loud enough to hear...not a screaming sound." —Saturn08

Get it from Amazon for $19.99. / Also available in blood red.

3. A silicone spatula so durable you'd swear it's immortal.

Promising review: "The handles are nice and firm while the edges have that rubber flex that you want. Best of all, they are each an entire piece. No parts glued on to fall off later." —Carpenters

Get it from Amazon for $6.95. / Also available in blood red and chilling blue.

4. A cat salt-and-pepper grinder that'll twist up some good luck for your homemade brews.

This little creature is best suited for grinding peppercorn, mustard seeds, and sea salt crystals.

Get it from Hot Topic for $23.12.

5. A hot-air popcorn popper with a warming tray up top for the blood of your enemies.

Promising review: "Nice and compact popper. Great for home or work. It fills one large bowl at a time and takes about two minutes to pop all the kernels." —Teej

Get it from Amazon for $19.90.

6. Some ghoulish flatware that's matte black, like your heart.

Promising review: "After six months all the flatware looks very good. I run it in the dishwasher, no problem. No spotting, staining or other irregularities." —Carole Ingram

Get a 20-piece set with service for four from Amazon for $75.03.

7. A dozen washable kitchen towels to add some variety to your all-black decor scheme, life.

Promising review: "Most dish towels will not hold any water at all, but these will actually soak up a fair amount and then wring out and dry easily." —Chris

Get the set of 12 from Amazon for $24.99.

8. A pair of skull ice molds to top off your elixir of choice.

Promising review: "These molds make nice large ice skulls that look very realistic." —Suzy Q

Get them from Amazon for $10.95. (They're made of food-safe silicone, and are dishwasher-, freezer-, oven-, and microwave-safe.)

9. A deceptively cute cat grater that'll rough up some cheese on your whim.

Get it from Hot Topic for $11.92.

10. A pour-over coffee dripper for when you take your coffee — and everything else — black.

Promising review: "This pour-over is ceramic, which means that all of the flavor from the beans will be delivered to your cup, and nothing more; plastic will take away from that. Ceramic also heats well, so if you run your pour-over through hot water first, you'll maintain a hot cup of fresh coffee as you pour your hot water over your grounds." —Robert Zippin

Get it from Amazon for $12.99. / Also available in ghostly white.

11. A set of ceramic coffee mugs approp for bone-chilling nights.

Promising review: "These are sturdy, stand up to a little bit of banging around, and they're beautiful. Microwavable and good for soup, too." —Poppaspank

Get them from Amazon for $23.39.

12. An aptly named cocktail book full of drink recipes so good you could just die.

Get it from Amazon for $18.83 (hardcover) or Food52 for $40 (signed hardcover).

13. An immersion blender set with its own sleek little coffin,

Promising review: "I love the whisk, as well as the blender. Comes in a handy carrying case, which is convenient for when I travel." —P. Hauser

Get them from Amazon for $28.16.

14. A utensil holder to double as an ice bucket when you decide to take a break from red.

Promising review: "This holds a ton of utensils and is so large it could double as a wine cooler. Thinking of buying a second one for that use." —Michelle

Get it from Amazon for $19.95. / Also available in blood red.

15. A set of twisted glasses perf for sipping and staring into the abyss.

Promising review: "They feel really nice to hold and have a very modernist look as if they're from Deus Ex: Human Revolution or Blade Runner or something." —Devin

Get a set of four from Amazon for $15.99.

16. A ceramic pie bird that's a worthy sacrifice to the dessert gods.

Promising review: "It delivers what it promises: a well-cooked bottom crust. Makes for a fabulous conversation piece as well, as most people have never heard of a pie bird." —Denise Caparula

Get it from Amazon for $5.54. / Also available in blood red.

17. A French press bound to deliver potent caffeine.

Promising review: "This French press not only makes great coffee, but I love the design as well. I love that the carafe has no metal and can be used in the microwave by itself." —cmcilroy35

Get it from Amazon for $30.

18. A pretty platter as inky as the absence of everything.

Promising review: "Simple but elegant. I love this platter! I used it to serve cookies last night and it was perfect!" —Whoopwhoop

Get it from Anthropologie for $28.

19. An opaque stoneware storage canister that'll serve as a low-key alibi for whatever's inside.

It's topped with a beechwood lid that makes it easy to stack.

Get the 22 oz. container from Nordstrom for $35. / Also available in 1.5 qt. and 23 oz.

20. A monochromatic cocktail shaker set for mixing up some Corpse Revivers.

It includes a shaker with strainer, muddler, tongs, and jigger.

Get them from Urban Outfitters for $50.

21. A granite-like cutting board that only looks as cold as your heart.

Promising review: "This board is perfect for meats, I have a teak board but I always use this one for running meats and poultry, it is very sanitary and my knives haven't gone dull from using it. I have washed it in the dishwasher and it hasn't bent, which happened to another one I had." —Ricardo Carvalho

Get it from Amazon for $9.99+. / Available in three sizes.

22. An egg-head mold that gives new meaning to soaking up some knowledge.

Promising review: "This is an eggsellent product. At first I was a little chicken to buy it, but I broke out of my shell and went for it. I'm glad I did because my daughter was very eggcited to see her shaped lunch egg. It ended up being a running yolk at school." —Readmore McCarthy

Get it from Amazon for $7.45.

23. A set of steak knives with some real bite.

Promising review: "These are wonderful: nicely contoured handle ensures control, AND BOY ARE THESE SHARP!! They really do the job. Much better than my other two sets of knives." —Charlie X

Get the set of six from Amazon for $21.07.

24. An ice cream scoop designed to help you murder a pint...or even a quart!

Promising review: "It glides right through even the hardest packed ice cream!" —Bookworm

Get it from Amazon for $19.99.

25. A tipping teacup perched as precariously as one's mortality.

Promising review: "Easily brew tea then tip cup to stop the brewing process! No messy teabag or leaving it in your cup to brew longer than you'd like!" —Hartface

Get it from Uncommon Goods for $20. / Also available in ghostly white.

26. And a limited-edition goth AF KitchenAid Stand Mixer.[KSM180LEBK]-5965096/KSM180LEBK/

Here to fulfill all your darkest registry fantasies. BUT: KitchenAid is making only 500 in the US! It includes a 5-quart stainless steel mixing bowl, black-coated flat beater and dough hook, powered hub, tilt-head design, and 10 mixing speeds.

Get it (while you can) from KitchenAid for $999.99.

Or, get a slightly less-black KitchenAid mixer from Amazon for $302.49.

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