I Watched "The Bachelorette" Last Night So You Didn't Have To

And that's what you missed on Bach!

Helloooo, Bach Nation! Welcome to your sixth installation of Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelorette Recap.

Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed

If you missed last week's episode, you can catch up in a jiffy here.

Now, this isn't meant to be a two-hour affair, so let's jump right in, shall we?

Tayshia's group date started with a "grown-ass man challenge," hosted by none other than Ashley I. and Jared:

ABC

Our winner is *drumroll* Harvard Bennett!

ABC

Even though he failed the math, spelling, and physical challenge, Bennett pulled through in the "breakfast in bed" challenge.

The man-child award went to *drumroll* Ed!

ABC

Don't come for Ed and his son Carlos ever!

During the cocktail hour, Bennett and Ed confronted Chasen about his ~intentions~ and if he was here for ~the right reasons~:

ABC

Chasen aka Wolverine tried — you know what, I can't even finish this sentence because I cannot take an adult man who actually thinks he's Wolverine seriously.

However, this is The Bach, so what would the season be without one suitor calling another suitor out during one-on-on time:

ABC

But the joke's on BOTH of them, because Ivan got the date-night rose on the group date:

ABC

I wholeheartedly support this decision.

Fast-forward to the cocktail party. Chasen decided to address the rest of the men and admit that he did describe Tayshia and Clare in similar ways, but now he's only using one phrase to describe Tay from now on:

ABC

My exact reaction when he had the gall to say that out loud to a group of men dating the same woman:

ABC

Wolverine, keep some claws to yourself.

Tay and Zac C. had a MOMENT during the cocktail hour. Zac C. was talking about how he's ready to be a partner, a husband, a father, and Tayshia asked if it's because the other suitors are saying the same thing, and he had the hottest response:

ABC

When I TELL YOU I had an audible yet incoherent reaction, I am telling the truth.

But the Chasen/Ed drama continued well into the evening...however, at the end of the day, they both got roses:

ABC

I cannot WAIT to see them duke it out on the infamous two-on-one date.

Jay, Montel, and Peter were sent home. A fallen petal for our fallen suitors:

Walt Disney Studios

The next group date involved the suitors getting oiled up...to wrestle one another, because mess:

ABC

And joining Chris Harrison was none other than Wells Adams, the world's best bartender:

ABC

Clearly the whole point of this exercise was to get Chasen and Ed in the ring, but due to a past injury, Ed could not participate. But have no fear! Noah the 'Stache is here!

ABC

Cinematic parallels:

ABC

The other suitors were NOT pleased when Noah the 'Stache got invited to their post-date cocktail hour, even though he was not invited on the original date:

ABC

You snooze, you lose, boys.

Like, Noah not only FOUGHT for Tayshia, he SHAVED for Tayshia:

ABC

Not too shabby, Noah.

Needless to say, he swooped in, took the date-night rose, and the other suitors were NOT pleased:

ABC

Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between!