10 Things You Should Never Be Doing When You're Naked

Being naked is great. It’s just great. And there are lots of things you should do naked. Showering for example is an activity to partake in without clothes. Also sex is relatively easier if there isn’t fabric blocking the places you’re trying to get into. But there are some things you should never do naked, especially in front of a lover or an adoring pet. And 'Getting on a Wrecking ball' isn't in the list. But, you know.

1. Squatting

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Even the word is unattractive. Like the boy in the back of the maths class who chews his own hair. Squatting is bad enough in clothes, but do this naked and you’ll look like a house elf trying to find his way in the wilderness.

2. Lighting Candles

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You never know what you might light instead. And no one wants to be in A&E explaining to the hot nurse how you just ‘Fell’ on the burning object. Also it's always really awkward when Rihanna shows up to watch you burn.

3. Playing Monopoly

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Another possible trip to the hospital and this time explaining why there’s a small silver shoe and four hotels lodged somewhere when they were supposed to be on Mayfair.

4. Sleeping

In pretty much 99% of situations, sleeping naked is better than anything. You don’t have to worry about digging in bras or the weird red striped lines on your waist. But if you share a room, or a place where people have no time for the word privacy, it might be better putting on something to cover up. Morning is a difficult time for all humans and the first thing you want to see is coffee, your make-up or some sort of delicious pastry, not your flatmate’s nipple.

5. Breakdancing

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If you are bigger than a 34C this is dangerous on so many levels. I’m only thinking of your health.

6. Frying Things

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You know. You know.

7. Passing Out

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You know that time when you woke up on a cobbled street and someone had stolen your unicorn costume and you had to get a ferry back home in just your crocs. Or that time you didn’t quite make it to bed and someone drew a purple penis on you in permanent marker that didn’t come off before your first job interview. All happens when you pass out.

8. Going Outside

If you’re currently residing in the UK you’ll notice what a lovely winter we’re having this July. Your nipples will freeze and drop off.

9. Yoga

The positions. All the positions.

10. Crying

Now crying and being naked at the same time adds up to a whole lot of vulnerability. And even worse than that, you haven’t got a sleeve to wipe away the pretty tears and countless snot. I suggest just getting a onesie for every occasion.