13 Things You’ll Need For An American Triumph At The World Cup

If we’re going to riot in the streets of all of our settlements, coast to coast, we should be prepared.

1. This American flag and pole

The Home Depot / Via homedepot.com

Get this and wave it like you just don’t care. $22.97

2. This all-American sweatshirt

Grand Slam New York / Via grandslamnewyork.com

For those chilly nights of celebration. $29.99

3. This highly patriotic polo shirt

United States Flag Store / Via united-states-flag.com

Let the Eagle soar… for $23.49

4. This Star-Spangled bikini

American Apparel / Via store.americanapparel.net

If your beach vacation coincides with the World Cup, make sure you have this packed too! $29.00

5. This USA Scarf

FansEdge / Via fansedge.com

Because we are dealing with soccer… football… soccer… and we should do what those Europeans do. $24.95

6. These George Washington-approved tights

Milanoo / Via milanoo.com

Is there a more American option for the lower half of your body? I think not. $25.99

7. These American-made American suspenders

Tuxedos Online / Via tuxedosonline.com

Gotta keep those tights up somehow! $14.95

8. This American banana muscle shirt

Spread Shirt / Via spreadshirt.com

You’ll go bananas for Team USA! $31.60

9. These sunglasses that are surely Bill O’Reilly-approved

Logo Lenses / Via logolenses.com

Does it get any more American than custom knockoff Wayfarers? $12.99

10. These cowboy boots for the truly committed patriot

Sheplers / Via sheplers.com

Truly committed, because they will put you back $219.99.

11. This bow tie that leaves no doubt as to your favorite nation

Beau Ties Ltd. of Vermont / Via beautiesltd.com

If you wear a regular necktie, then the terrorists have won. $42.00

12. This complete Uncle Sam costume

Costume Craze / Via costumecraze.com

If coordination is tough for you, let someone else do the work for you. $29.69

13. And this ukulele, which is a real thing that exists

Musician’s Friend / Via musiciansfriend.com

Because if you are partying out on the streets dressed up like the love child of Uncle Sam and the Star Spangled Banner, you might as well have a musical instrument that matches. $38.00

Let’s go, team America!

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