The 37 Greatest Comebacks In All Of Human History

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    1. Dorothy Parker vs. a drunk:

    Drunk man: "I can't bear fools."

    Parker: "Apparently your mother could."

    2. Calvin Coolidge vs. some random lady at a White House dinner:

    Woman: "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

    Coolidge: "You lose."

    3. Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor:

    Lady Astor: "If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee."

    Churchill: "If I was your husband, I would drink it.

    4. Judge Rockwood Hoar vs. Mr. Wendell Phillips:

    Judge Rockwood Hoar, after being asked if he would attend Mr. Wendell Phillip's funeral, replied: "No, I am not invited, but I approve of it nevertheless."

    5. P.G. Wodehouse on dating:

    Wodehouse: "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'"

    6. Irving Stone vs. William Jennings Bryan:

    Stone: "His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap."

    7. Truman Capote vs. Jack Kerouac:

    Capote: "That's not writing, that's typing."

    8. Abraham Lincoln vs. the haters:

    Lincoln, after being called two-faced: "I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?"

    9. Elizabeth Taylor vs. every male lead she ever worked with:

    Taylor: "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."

    10. Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier:

    Ali: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife."

    11. Calvin Coolidge vs. an audience member:

    Audience member: "What do you think of the singer's execution?"

    Coolidge: "I'm all for it."

    12.Mahatma Gandhi vs. the Western world:

    Reporter: "What do you think of Western civilization?"

    Ghandi: "I think it would be a good idea."

    13. Thomas Reed vs. Henry Clay:

    Clay: "I would rather be right than be president."

    Reed: "The gentleman need not trouble himself. He'll never be either."

    14. Ernest Hemingway vs. William Faulkner:

    Faulkner: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

    Hemingway: "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

    15. Babe Ruth vs. President Hoover:

    Ruth, after being told by a reporter that he made more money than President Hoover: "Maybe so, but I had a better year than he did."

    16. Winston Churchill vs. a member of Parliament

    MP: "Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"

    Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."

    17. Speaker of the House Nicholas Longworth vs. a member of the House:

    The House member, after rubbing Speaker Longworth's bald head: "Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife's bottom."

    Longworth, running his own hand over his head: "Indeed, it does!"

    18. Edna Ferber vs. Noel Coward:

    Noel Coward: "Edna, you look almost like a man."

    Edna Ferber: "So do you."

    19. Truman Capote vs. a drunk man:

    Capote, after a drunk man pulled his genitals out and asked Capote to autograph them: "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

    20. Winston Churchill vs. the haters:

    Person: "You're drunk. And what's more, you're disgustingly drunk."

    Churchill: "You're ugly. And what's more, you're disgustingly ugly. But when I wake up, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly."

    21. Miriam Hopkins vs. an anonymous singer:

    Singer: "You know, my dear, I insured my voice for $50,000."

    Hopkins: "That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money?"

    22. John Wilkes vs. John Montagu:

    Montagu: "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."

    Wilkes: "That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

    23. Bill Clinton vs. Dan Quayle:

    Clinton, after Dan Quayle revealed that he planned to be "a pitbull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore: "That's got every fire hydrant in America worried."

    25. Sen. Fritz Hollings vs. Henry McMastor:

    Hollings, when challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test: "I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test."

    26. Ilka Chase vs. an anonymous actress:

    Actress: "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?"

    Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad that you liked it. Who read it to you?"

    27. Billy Wilder vs. a hater:

    Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

    28. Jack E. Leonard vs. an enemy:

    Leonard: "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

    29. Dorothy Parker vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross:

    Parker, after Harold Ross interrupted her on her honeymoon to ask why she was late with a book review: "I'm too fucking busy, and vice versa."

    30. James Reston vs. Richard Nixon:

    Reston: "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

    31. Winston Churchill vs. George Bernard Shaw:

    Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. If you have one."

    Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

    32. Mae West vs. a random man:

    West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

    33. Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs. the U.S. Senate:

    Hale, when asked if he prayed for the Senators: "No. I look at the Senators and pray for the country."

    34. Moses Hadas vs. a rival:

    Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

    35. James Joyce to a fan:

    Joyce, after a fan asked if they could kiss "the hand that wrote Ulysses": "No, it did a lot of other things too."

    36. Chico Marx to his wife:

    Marx, after being caught kissing another woman: "I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth."

    37. And, of course: