We Need To Talk About How “Home Alone 2” Is One Of The Most Disturbing Films Of All Time

This is not a children's movie. This is a massacre.

Let's get a few things straight:

We're all familiar with the plot of Home Alone II. We all know that it's objectively, subjectively, and introspectively the best Christmas movie ever made. We all know that it's completely unacceptable to forget your child, the fruit of your loins, on vacation for the SECOND TIME in one year. We all know this.

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But that's not why we're here today. No, we're here to focus on the part of the movie that's truly disturbing: the fact that this little boy, Kevin, exacts a biblical level of pain and suffering that, quite frankly, would be more appropriate in a snuff film than a children's film. This is some seriously sick shit.

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Kevin begins his rampage by whippin' a huge-ass brick off a SIX STORY BUILDING and somehow hitting the dude below with PINPOINT accuracy.

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Are we led to believe that a grown adult male can simply walk away after being hit by a brick square in the ol' snotlocker? Are we led to believe that this man's nose would be intact after catching a dang brick to the face? A quick google search for "terminal velocity of a brick" revealed some numbers I don't understand, but I think it's safe to assume a brick at terminal velocity would bust ya dang head open.

After being hit by in the noggin by four consecutive bricks, Marv is stapled three times: once in the rear end, once in the face, and once in the groin.

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Now, I'm no stranger to staples. Big fan, actually. Absolutely love the stuff. Still, it's important we acknowledge the staple to the groin here. I don't think I need to go into detail about what this would mean for poor Marv. However, I'm going to go into detail about what this would mean for Marv. His penis is obliterated. Completely, utterly destroyed. I'm talkin' #DestroyedPenis. Let's get it trending, folks. Our troops can get a million retweets but how many retweets can we get for a fictional character's ding-dong? Says a lot about society...

Marv proceeds to fall about 15 feet right onto his face.

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Take a look here. Absolutely NOTHING hits the ground - the CEMENT ground - before his face. His face is the only thing that breaks that fall! You know what happens to people who fall 15 feet with only their face to break the fall? They don't have a face anymore. They have to wear a cape and become the titular character in a musical about the opera.

Joe Pesci then begins his assault on the apartment by hopping onto a fire escape ladder and proceeding to fall onto his back.

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How can you even walk after that fall? Your back would be in pieces. Reeses freakin' pieces! Look at that hang-time! Big Joe is in the air for like four seconds! He's like the Michael Jordan of breaking his spine. My man could go D1 in shattering vertebrae. While we're at it, how does Joe Pesci not have lingering medical issues after everything that happened last Christmas?

Joe Pesci gets up, kicks a door open, and has a bunch of wrenches fall on him.

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What are these wrenches made out of? Certainly these can't be regulation wrenches. These have gotta be some Baby's First Wrenches or else my guy would be severely concussed. Why did Kevin pack all these baby wrenches? How did he carry all these baby wrenches with him to New York and to the Upper West Side? Was all his luggage just filled with baby wrenches and green goo? How many babies aren't getting that brand new wrench they dreamed about for Christmas because of Kevin?

Flash over to Bob Ross. Bob has found his way to the staple of every classic New York City household — a gigantic shelf full of blue, green, and yellow paint.

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It's safe to assume we're dealing with a lead-based paint here based on the fact that these construction workers clearly don't follow any other building safety regulations (Several holes in the floor? Every door unlocked? Tiny child free to commit numerous violent felonies on the grounds?). His eyes are wide-open when the paint hits him, too. His eyes are now more paint than eye. He will never see the Grand Canyon, the Pacific Ocean, his sweet baby twins. A child took this man's sight. A child.

After this, he gets electrocuted so violently his skeleton is briefly visible.

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I've met enough skeletons in my day to know what happens if you turn into a skeleton in real life. You die! You die. Either that or you play bass in the music video for the Grateful Dead's 1987 hit "Touch Of Grey". But mostly you just die. Add first degree murder and pending lawsuit from the Garcia estate to Kevin's growing list of wrongdoings.

A sack of flour then falls on Marv's Colorado-Rockies-relief-pitcher-lookin'-ass, dying his hair white.

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This isn't even that wild. Just a waste of perfectly good flour. By the way, what is a huge bag of flour doing at a construction site? What are the construction workers using this flour for? As a thickening agent? A bind? Are they just eating the flour? Are the construction workers sitting around chompin' on flour all the live-long day?

Meanwhile, Joe Pesci gets his (very flammable) head lit on fire and sticks it in a toilet full of napalm.

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Gang, the last time I saw a downstairs explosion that big it was after I finished that carnitas burrito from Chipotle.

Setting aside the fact that there's no way a person, even mighty Joe Pesci, could survive a blast of that magnitude, where are all the neighbors on this block? Did they not hear the two grown men yelling about how they're going to murder a child? Do they not hear all the screams, the explosions? Are they just sitting there next to their gigantic shelf full of paint quietly laughing to themselves whispering "only in New York!"?

Not only is Joe okay after having his entire body covered in flames, he receives zero burns.

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The Bible tells us the story of Daniel, a Babylonian man who is thrown into the lion's den for violating the law and worshipping God. While Daniel is inside the den, an angel comes to him and shuts the mouths of the lions, saving Daniel from almost certain death. In a way, Home Alone II is a lot like the story of Daniel except instead of Daniel and a lion's den, it's Joe Pesci and a gigantic fuckin' explosion in an Upper West Side apartment building. And instead of an angel there's Rob Schneider as a Manhattan bell-hop. And instead of having literally anything to do with God, it's just torture porn for kids.

Anyways, Joe Pesci then attempts to climb a ladder upstairs to get to Kevin.

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Guess what, idiot? IT DOESN'T WORK! That dog don't hunt. What's disturbing here is how Joe Pesci holds onto the ladder for the entire duration of the fall. It's like he's given up. Like he's become a shell of himself. I can only imagine that his busted-up fingers look like a bunch of broken pieces of macaroni on the card Kevin probably forgot to send his parents this Christmas.

Both Marv and Joe Pesci are able to somehow summon the strength needed to give their attempt at murdering a little boy another try, only to get hit by a giant pipe and fall another 15 feet.

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This one's on the burglars. How do you come all the way to New York City and not know about the other classic New York tradition of putting a giant gaping hole right before your second floor staircase? Just poor planning there. By the way, there is no way they would be able to move after an injury like this. Joe Pesci will never walk again.

The two get up only to be slammed against a wall by a 400 pound tool cabinet.

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There are so many tools in this house. So many. There are tool bags, tool cabinets, and, gang, there's two tools right up there in that freakin' GIF. Hoo-hah! Do the construction workers really need this many tools? How 'bout they fix that hole in the wall before they start double fisting hammers and sticking socket wrenches up their l'il butts. They should also stop eating flour.

Finally, the two men fall SEVERAL stories down a FLAMING ROPE?????? straight onto their backs AGAIN.

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These men have died no less than twelve times. They have ascended into heaven and are seated at the right hand of the father.

Somehow they get away to live to fall 15 feet onto their back another day until an insane pigeon lady covers Joe Pesci and Marv in bird feed and gets a bunch of birds to tear their flesh off.

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Look at Marv's face. It is dripping blood. He's going to bleed out! He has had his penis stapled. He has had his back smashed. He was a goddamn spooky skeleton for six seconds. And now? AND NOW?! A BIRD is EATING his SKIN off!!!

So how does this pigeon lady react? With laughter. Uproarious laughter.

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Jesus H. Christmas.