“Dave, what goes into the perfect red carpet outfit?”
It’s a question that gets asked of me a lot, often several times a day. While countless folks have begged me to write on the subject, it just didn’t feel right. I’d tell them that the topic is too controversial, the debate too heated, the designers much too good friends of mine. Well, that was then. This is now. I’m pleased to finally break my silence and bring you what I believe - nay - what I know to be the greatest red carpet outfit of all time. Without further ado…
2. Presenting: Da Brat at the 2002 BET Awards.
Now, you’re probably wondering (and I don’t blame you, because if you have never seen this outfit before you clearly have never seen high fash (industry term for “fashion”) before. No worries. Let’s dissect how to achieve an outfit like this masterpiece.
4. Step One: Put your hair up using NO FEWER than seven scrunchies.
5. If you run out of scrunchies, Red Robin onion rings are an acceptable alternative.
6. Step Two: Duck face.
7. Lots of folks in my industry write (often justly) about duck face’s plummeting stock. As you can see here, coupled with the right accessories (copious amounts of bling and onion rings) duck face can be a real winner.
Be sure to apply Vaseline to the lips before attempting.
8. Step 3: Broken zipper.
9. This is CRUCIAL step people often forget. DON’T! You can achieve this look in two ways: either you can run your least favorite coat over with your car.
Or you can go au-naturale and buy a coat, leave it in your trunk for 12 years, and run it over with your car.
10. Step 4: Spongebob jelly-fishing lunchbox.
11. Really a no-brainer. You’re going to need to carry all your shit someplace. What shit am I talking about? I don’t know, and I don’t know if I want to know considering the fact you’re wearing a spongebob jumpsuit to an awards show.
Maybe more onion rings.
12. Here’s a reverse shot, just so you can see how important it is that the Spongebobs on your outfit are making DIFFERENT faces.
13. Often I’ll see someone at the club with a similar get-up on, but with all the Spongebobs are making the “Happy Spongebob” face. Big mistake. That’s how you can spot a poseur from miles away.
14. Let’s re-cap.
- Donald Trump's pick to be commerce secretary, Wilbur Ross, admitted at his confirmation hearing he once employed an undocumented immigrant as a household worker.
- President Barack Obama shortened Chelsea Manning's 35-year sentence for leaking documents to WikiLeaks. She'll be freed in May.
- Blue Lies Matter: Video finally proved that police officers lie — and why they get away with it.
- A Toronto man is on a mission to bathe at a different stranger's house every day this month. And so far, so good 🛀