1. YOU THINK YOU’RE SAFE FROM GLASS DOORS??? THINK AGAIN:
2. GLASS DOORS DON’T CARE IF YOU EAT:
3. THEY DON’T CARE IF YOU SLEEP:
5. YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA BUY SOME NEW SHOES, NUMBSKULL?? THINK AGAIN:
6. “AH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO EXIT A STORE.” NOPE:
7. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BEATING A DOOR AT ITS OWN GAME BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, BLOCKHEAD? YOU WILL LOSE. EVERYTIME.
8. YOU THINK THE POLICE CAN SAVE YOU? HA. HA. HA. THAT’S THREE “HA’S,” YA DOLT:
9. YOU KNOW WHAT A PERFECT DAY FOR A DOOR CONSISTS OF? CRUSHING THE SWEET, SWEET LIFE OUT OF YOU:
11. “MAN, I SURE LOVED BUYING ALL THOSE GOODS AT THE MALL TODAY. WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO LEAVE NOW.” NOPE:
12. LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU’RE GOING TO GO PAY FOR YOUR GAS? I DON’T THINK SO, YA IGNORAMUS. BETTER GO ELECTRIC INSTEAD:
15. AND DON’T EVEN PRETEND LIKE NO ONE SAW. BECAUSE WE ALL DID. DOORS SEE EVERYTHING:
17. “BUT WHAT ABOUT REGULAR OLD DOORS? AREN’T THOSE SAFE? HMMMMMM LET’S SEE:
18. SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN TONIGHT:
- The Clinton campaign is trying to stop television stations from running a pro-Trump ad featuring Michelle Obama.
- A federal jury cleared the leaders of an Oregon standoff. The militia group took over a wildlife refuge last January.
- An airplane carrying Republican VP candidate Mike Pence skidded off the runway at New York City's LaGuardia airport. No one was injured.
- RIP — Vine says it's discontinuing its mobile app, effectively ending the 6-second video service 💀