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28 Essential Things You'll Never Be Able To Buy From SkyMall Again

Or, "28 Things You'll Never Not Buy From SkyMall Again."

Earlier today SkyMall filed for bankruptcy, setting forth events that surely signal the end of the world is near/denying us the only good and worthwhile thing to read on a plane.

Now you'll never be able to buy...

1. This UpRight Sleeper that definitely won’t kill you:

2. A portrait of your pet as 17th-century nobility:

3. A machine that makes you grow hair and doesn't make you look like an insane person:

4. A life-size hanging jungle monkey statue:

5. A watch that tells you when you're going to die:

6. A Micro Kickboard Luggage Scooter that definitely won't get your ass beat:

7. Literally, a giant fake rock:

8. A personal massager that definitely isn’t a dildo:

9. A motorized unicycle:

10. Roswell, the Alien Butler:

11. A solar-powered cooling hat that definitely won't get your ass beat:

12. Sling Couture:

13. An "I GIVE UP" pillow:

14. A pierogi ornament:

15. A clock whose only function is to let you know what day of the week it is:

16. A wrist cell phone carrier:

17. An in-home foot tanner:

18. The legendary SkyRest:

19. Some formal attire:


21. Shoes with sperm on them:

22. Something that apparently suffocates children:

23. The only shirt Bobs are allowed to wear:

24. A Star of David to put onto a Christmas tree:

25. Fernando the Chihuahua

26. A glass that holds a full bottle of wine:

27. A fake paper cup:

28. A wineglass-holder necklace that, again, totally won't get your ass beat:

And Alfred Lloyd's new album: