1.
Twitter is wild because the dumbest people are like “Mayhaps you have slandered me with that ad hominem” and the smartest people are like “my dog is a chonky boi”
2.
straight friend asked me if gay twitter was a separate app
3.
Twitter is a dating service for matching strangers with the hills that they didn’t know they wanted to die on
4.
When your twitter feed refreshes automatically and you lose a good tweet
5.
Who else went through these Stages of Twitter? 😂 I can't be the only one please 1. created an account 2. didn't understand 3. abandoned it for months 4. came back 5. now you're addicted 6: night mode activated
6.
i got the lowest ACT score out of all my friends in high school and guess who ended up with the most twitter followers. me
7.
When you open a video on twitter in public and it's starts moaning https://t.co/8OMpZkCAQc
8.
me when someone shows me something i already saw on twitter a week ago
9.
me when i first made a twitter: oh boy this is new and i have a handful of really cool ppl following me i need to make sure i don’t make a fool out of myself me now:
10.
My Facebook and Instagram presence after I joined twitter. https://t.co/oYcovfUgd7
11.
Twitter folks who don’t watch Game of Thrones:
12.
Twitter in real life
13.
half of my twitter is depressed and the other half wants to raid Area 51
14.
For me, Twitter is the best place to go when someone start to ignore me.
15.
Twitter be like: ____________________________ | i want fruit gummy |___________________________| ❤1 🔄0 _____________________________ | i want fuit gummy |____________________________| ❤17.9k 🔄15k
16.
*opens instagram* yep, everyone's life is still better than mine *closes instagram* *opens twitter* ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren
17.
Girls on Twitter are seriously like “my ex used to burn down orphanages and beat up the elderly. My new boyfriend uses deodorant. Never settle ladies 🥰💅😘”
18.
me: omg I saw that on twitter them: what’s your twitter? me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: them: me: what’s twitter
19.
I unprivated my twitter bc if my bosses find me they find me. Why are u even looking? Ugh u wanna kiss me so bad
20.
I don't have to make sense, this is twitter.
21.
2:00pm - twitter is toxic i’m taking a break 2:01pm -
22.
Is twitter supposed to score goals for Mexico or ? https://t.co/9BEVJpuRgU
23.
professional comedian: [genuine funny joke with context and a punchline] me: .. ok twitter user: we need a disney princess with a yeast infection me: