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All 52 Super Bowl Ads Right Here

In the order they appeared during the game. The winner? This print ad tweeted by Oreo. I also give one-sentence reviews.

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1. Budweiser Black Crown

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Summoned the bile from my stomach and dead from my brain.

2. M&M's "Love Ballad"

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I don't like M&M's in my meatloaf, or vice versa.

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3. Audi

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Car = PENIS.

4. Hyundai "Team"

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One of the least terrible ads of the evening.

5. Go Daddy

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BARF Refaeli.

6. Doritos

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Makes zero sense, but lots of product shot.

7. Best Buy "Ask Amy"

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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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8. Budweiser Black Crown "Celebration"

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Seriously, two of the worst beer ads ever produced.

I hate all these people.

9. "Oz the Great and Powerful"

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I don't care.

10. Coke "Cameras"

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Not a new ad for the Super Bowl, but a good one.

11. OREO

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Sound and Fury, Signifying NOTHING.

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13. Toyota "Wish Granted"

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Sound and Fury, Signifying NOTHING.

14. Doritos "Fashionista Daddy"

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Meh? Meh.

15. Calvin Klein

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His name is Matthew Terry.

I was mimicking his poses in front of the TV.

At least it was a simple ad.

16. Cars.com "Wolf"

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Baybee Wolfie for the Win

17. Bud Light "Journey"

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I wanted to here more of "Superstition."

Otherwise, a solidly unmemorable ad.

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18. Go Daddy

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At least the sleazebags gave you a reason to buy here.

21. Hyundai Sonata "Stuck"

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Also one of the least bad ads of the evening.

Look at that! A product benefit in an ad!

How fucking novel.

22. Volkswagen "Get Happy"

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Racist? No.

Depressing as Hell? Yes.

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23. Coke "Chase"

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A big stinking overreaching MESS.

24. Subway "Congratulations Jared"

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Depressing as Hell.

25. Budweiser — The Clydesdales: "Brotherhood"

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Sad and depressing as Hell.

26. Taco Bell "Viva Young"

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Mildly fun.

But also ageist — LOOK AT DEM GOOFY OLD PEOPLE.

27. Skechers "Man vs. Cheetah"

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Just...AWFUL.

28. Lincoln "Phoenix"

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My GOD, that was boring.

Who wrote this, the CEO?

29. Jeep "America Will Be Whole Again"

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"There WILL be an advertiser who exploits our soldiers..."

30. NFL "Surprise:

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I hate American "football" so I don't care.

33. Century 21 "Wedding"

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I want to live in Century 22 where commercials like this hopefully won't exist.

34. BlackBerry "Z10"

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For your sake BlackBerry, I hope the phone is better than the ad.

35. E-Trade "Save It"

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Time to kill the Baby, E-Trade.

36. Subway "FebruANY®"

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"Ha" said nobody.

37. Bud Light "Lucky Chair"

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At least there was Zoe Saldana.

38. Axe "Lifeguard"

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And Axe becomes the 127th brand to use the stupid go to space gimmick.

39. Mio "Anthem"

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"Change" your spokesperson, Mio.

40. Kia "Hotbots"

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"We want to do the tired, sexist "babes with cars" thing, but stupider. I know! robots!

Somewhere, the Svedka Fembot is masturbating. The Hotbot is Miss USA 2011 Alyssa Campanella.

41. Gildan T-Shirts "Getaway"

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Creepy is as Creepy does.

42. Wonderful Pistachios "PSY Get Crackin'"

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Is this dude's 15 minutes up yet?

43. Lincoln "Once Upon A Tweet"

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"It's a story that start with you. Because luxury always should."

Senseless CEO copy again.

44. Speed Stick "Unattended Laundry"

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One of the worst of the evening.

45. Beck's Sapphire "No Diggity"

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No digging it.

46. NFL "Leon Sandcastle"

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SANDCASTLE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breath) ha.

47. Ram Trucks "Farmer"

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I want my 2 minutes back.

You're a fucking truck, settle down.

48. Kia "Space Babies"

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Cute, and sold me on Kia not at all.

50. SodaStream

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SodaStream would have had the best ad of the evening, if CBS wasn't held hostage by Big Sugar. Here's their banned ad.

51. Mercedes-Benz "Soul"

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Considering the actor fees and the $1.5 million song fee and the production costs, this commercial was one of the biggest wastes of money in advertising history.

52. Samsung "The Next Big Thing"

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You know how I know you're gay...?

53. Pepsi Next

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Sorry I missed this one.

Terrible.

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