The Definite Ranking Of The Best Bulges In This World Cup

Soccer balls aren’t the only balls on the field.

All bulges are ranked and measured on a scale of zero to five David Beckhams. Every soccer bulge was analyzed by a team of experts which then gave the number of Beckhams it deserved.

11. The ‘You Need To Pay Close Attention’: Lionel Messi.

Ivan Alvarado / Reuters

Nigel Roddis / Reuters


Why it’s important: Although most of the times Messi hides in jerseys and shorts that are way to big for him (Why Lio? WHY?), this bulge is unavoidable. Also, Argentina plays with white shorts, so hello there.

Side-note: What is Lio trying to say with his post goal hand gesture?

Bulge Rating: 1/2 out of 5 David Beckhams.

10. The ‘Everyone Wants A Piece Of It’: Hulk.

Kim Hong-Ji / Reuters

Marcos Brindicci / Reuters

Gary Hershorn / Reuters


Why it’s important: This guy is the full package (see what I just did there?). Great body, best butt and well, bulge. Also, do you know anyone with such a fitting and fantastic nickname? Maybe he’s named after his bulge? Who knows!

Bulge Rating: 1 out of 5 David Beckhams.

9. The ‘Never Stop Wearing Soccer Shorts’: Yaya Toure.

Nigel Roddis / Reuters

AP Photo/Clint Hughes


Why it’s important: Could we ask FIFA to make all teams wear white shorts? Because, I mean, Yaya Toure over here makes a GREAT case for why everyone should always be wearing them. Like, always.

Bulge Rating: 1½ out of 5 David Beckhams.

8. The ‘Action Shot Master’: Thomas Mueller.

Ina Fassbender / Reuters

Ina Fassbender / Reuters


Why it’s important: The world cup is all about running and kicking and running some more and no one could benefit more from that than Mueller, well, and us obviously. RUN THOMAS RUN.

Bulge Rating: 2 out of 5 David Beckhams.

7. The ‘Put Your Hands Up In The Air’: Gerard Pique.

Andrea Comas / Reuters

AP Photo/Manu Fernandez


Why it’s important: This bulge dates Shakira. This bulge clearly don’t lie. We applaud you honest bulge, we do.

Bulge Rating: 2½ out of 5 David Beckhams.

6. The ‘I See You Even With My Eyes Closed’: Steven Defour.

AP Photo/Scott Heppell

Toby Melville / Reuters


Why it’s important: How do you say “hello I love you” in Dutch? Because that’s all this bulge should ever hear. Extra points for the cool tattoos on the arms, but you weren’t looking at that were you?

Bulge Rating: 3 out of 5 David Beckhams.

5. The ‘I Look Good Off The Field Too’: Sergio Ramos.

David Ramos / Getty Images


Why it’s important: Sergio Ramos is ready to take your breath away at any given time. But besides that, a soccer player’s bulge that looks fantastic in jeans deserves extra consideration, especially when they are salmon colored and so fitting. Keep doing what you’re doing Sergio.

Bulge Rating: 3½ out of 5 David Beckhams.

4. The ‘Impossible To Miss’: Adam Lallana.

Chris Brunskill / Getty Images

Clive Rose / Getty Images


Why it’s important: Who can resist a British accent? Even more so, who can resist a British bulge? Yup, exactly. I rest my case.

Bulge Rating: 4 out of 5 David Beckhams.

3. The ‘Master Bulge’: Cristiano Ronaldo.

Andrea Comas / Reuters

Sergio Perez / Reuters


Why it’s important: When he’s not on the field scoring a gazillion goals, Cristiano Ronaldo likes to show off his bulge in underwear commercials. It’s such a great bulge even HE knows it, and thankfully shows it off.

Bulge Rating: 4½ out of 5 David Beckhams.

2. The ‘OMG, yassss’: Yohan Cabaye.

IAIN BUIST / AFP / Getty Images


Why it’s important: Once you see it you cannot stop staring. Be ready to mesmerically watch it in action during the games. It will hypnotizing and unforgettable.

Bulge Rating: 4½ out of 5 David Beckhams.

1. The ‘Likes To Show Off’: Mario Balotelli.



Why it’s important: ‘If you’ve got it, flaunt it’ people sometimes say and Mario definitely gets that saying. Known for his fantastic moves on the field and extravagant life off of it, these purple briefs are impossible to not stare at. You win Mario, you win.

Bulge Rating: 5 out of 5 David Beckhams.

And a special thank you to the Bulge Master who inspired this post:

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