Last week, McDonald’s introduced a new mascot to their American market: Happy The Box.
Slowly it has been terrorizing lives and destroying happiness at its source. Here’s what we know so far about the cardboard demon:
1. On May 23rd, the box started its reign of horror in America.
2. On May 24th, an incident was reported to police of Happy latching onto an 8-year-old boy’s face. The boy’s current condition is unknown.
3. We know the box shops at Walmart. It presumably likes bargains.
5. We know the box CANNOT be exorcised or destroyed with fire.
6. And the box can navigate complicated subway systems that even some humans can’t.
14. And we know forming an army is exactly what they’re plotting to do.
16. And there’s no way to escape them. Even after you throw them away.
- Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has for the first time said that she backs proposals for a partial ban on burqas.
- Mike Pence says the next attorney general will decide whether or not federal charges against Michael Slager will remain.
- The UK prison service is suppressing evidence of corruption among its guards which is fueling violence behind bars.
- Grammy nominations: Beyoncé has earned 9, including Album of the Year. Drake, Rihanna, and Kanye West each got 8 nods 💿🎶