back to top
Celebrity

The 21 Most Important Celebrity Bulges Of All Time

The celebulge, if you will.

Posted on

All bulges are ranked and measured on a scale of zero to five Jon Hamms. Each celebulge was evaluated on its outline, girth, and prominence to determine its rank and the number of Hamms it deserved.

DISCLAIMER: Jon Hamm is not ranked on the list, as it would be completely unfair to everyone else to be ranked against the Rosetta Bulge.

21. The Taylor Lautner

Why it's important: You won't need your 3D glasses for this one. Taylor's shark boy sets the precedent of what it really means to be a toned and defined bulge in Hollywood. Although this bulge is on the perky side, it lacks girth circumference that makes for a five-Hamm bulge.

19. The Zac Efron

Why it's important: Although a little underwhelming and disappointing in outline and stature, Efron's bulge is a nice accent to the rest of his body. Dave Franco can't even resist taking a peek at this one.

18. The Joe Jonas

Why it's important: The most underrated fourth member of the Jonas Brothers is also arguably the most talented member of the late band. Despite this Jonas bulge's appealing onstage presence, Hamm is packing nearly double of this brother.

16. The David Henrie

Why it's important: For four seasons, the true magic behind Disney's Wizards of Waverly Place was tucked away inside Justin Russo's pants. To say the least, this is the most magical bulge of all the bulges.

HARRY POTTER, I THINK WE FOUND THE ELDER WAND!

15. The Ricky Martin

Why it's important: This bulge didn't fully blossom until it split off from boy band Menudo back in the late '80s. The charisma this bulge has developed over a long career is unbeatable... Well, maybe a little beatable. Livin' la vida loca in the presence of this bulge!

14. The Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield)

Why it's important: If the webs that shoot from these fingertips can save lives, imagine what the webs from this super bulge could do! Peter, park in here, please.

13. The David Beckham

Why it's important: You don't get your own underwear line with a mediocre bulge. This bulge has nice curves and fills out any underwear properly. You know what they say: "Bulge like Beckham!"

12. The Jake Gyllenhaal

Why it's important: We're just gonna go ahead and say this bulge could probably save someone's life with a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Who would want to live a day after tomorrow without it?

10. The Mario Lopez

Why it's important: It's hard to think of a bulge that has been in our lives as long this one. I mean we've practically watched it grow on national television. It's easy to see why this bulge ranks in the top 10.

Relax, everyone: It's all right 'cause you're saved by the bulge!

8. The Jensen Ackles

Why it's important: This supernatural bulge put its head on the line to represent bulges on television during a time when bulges were highly underrepresented. With the help of a tight wardrobe, Ackles proved you can be packing despite working on a show called Smallville.

7. The Shemar Moore

Why it's important: Moore's bulge has taught us two important life lessons:

1. It's what's underneath that counts.

2. You can never hide who you truly are.

WE CAN LEARN FROM THE BULGES.

6. The Kellan Lutz

Why it's important: From sporting workout attire to designer clothes, The Lulge will be sure to make itself present no matter the apparel. This is one bulge that truly keeps on giving around the c(l)ock.

5. The Michael Fassbender

Why it's important: Michael's fasshionable meat locker is easily the best-dressed bulge out there. This is one bad bulge you wouldn't be afraid take to home to meet the parents.

3. The Zachary Quinto

Why it's important: DO YOU SEE THAT?! HAROLD, DO YOU SEE THAT BULGE?! Who wouldn't want to Trek into the darkness with this bulge?

2. The Justin Theroux

Why it's important: This active bulge is threouxghly the most enjoyable bulge to watch. Once set in motion, its girth and shock factor make for an unforgettable and hypnotizing sway as it slaps against the surrounding thighs.

1. The Mark Wahlberg

Why it's important: You would think the pressures of being the hottest bulge in Hollywood would be too much to handle, but not for Marky's Mark! This perfectly symmetrical bulge stands erected next to Hamm's as the most important bulge of all time. If you've got it, flaunt it.

And a special thank you to the Bulge Father who started it all:

Bulgography: Jon Hamm has courageously outlined a way for all other bulges to finally get the attention they deserve. This post would not have been possible without this draping masterpiece and its total disregard for underwear.

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss