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1. A Gudetama Tamagotchi because being petless during a pandemic has had you majorly down. 😔 Now, you can hatch and raise a lazy lil' egg and feed him as much mayo and soy sauce as your heart desires.
2. An uncanny valley-esque piggy bank that will either delight you or come for you in the middle of a sleep paralysis episode. It's really a toss up — just don't say we didn't warn you.
3. A pack of Brussels sprout bath bombs to infuse your skin with your daily dose of fiber, vitamin K, folate, and antioxidants. JK, they def don't do that, but how cool would it be if they did??
4. A Dunkin' Donuts AirPod case je REFUSE to shut up about. Hi, I'm Chelsea and I'm from New England and yes, Dunks IS part of my personality!!!!!
5. A baby Groot flower pot with the most expressive eyes I ever did see. Having a bad day? Shoot a glance his way and things are sure to turn around.
6. A banana or donut flask that'll slightly soothe the sting of not being able to close out your favorite bar. Mayyyybe in 2022 🤞🏻
7. A plush sloth because the 2020 cuffing season has long been cancelled and you *need* a cuddle buddy.
8. A hard-boiled egg holder poised to turn your morning meal into a knight in shining armor. Even if this Humpty Dumpty takes a fall, his protective helmet will keep him safe and sound.
9. An imitation pimple-popping toy ingeniously designed so you can poke, prod, and pick without touching your own face. Reviewers say that fake-pus-filled silicone ~feels~ like oily skin.
10. A set of snail-shaped silicone tea holders so you no longer have to use your finger to fish your tea bag string out of ~boiling hot water.~ These guys have it from here.
11. A Richard Simmons Funko Pop that may or may not hold the soul of the semi-retired aerobics instructor. If nothing else, let it inspire you to check out his previously archived footage which now — thanks to COVID — has been uploaded to YouTube! We'll call that one 👆 tiny win for the global population at large.
12. A Jason Momoa coloring book which will give you ample time to admire the curvature of his every muscle and bounce of each beachy wave.
13. A pizza mousepad that — warning you now — may just have your mouth watering at 9 a.m.
14. A Nathan Fielder devotion candle to which you can pray for more episodes of Nathan for You. Please, Nathan — we just know you're the man to get 2020 back on track.
15. A pair of toast and egg shakers that are almost too cute to be used as intended. Sure, you can fill them with salt and pepper, but what if — hear us out here — you were to just place them on a shelf or counter and stare at them every time you enter the room 😍
16. A Stevie Nicks air freshener because it is going to take some serious magic to get your car smelling good. I'll go ahead and start summoning the powers of the supreme on your behalf 🔮
17. A Bob the Builder-looking saw knife with the power to cut through any cake you put in front of it. No matter how many ganache-filled layers, you won't even break a sweat.
18. A magnetic key/glasses/whisk holder in the shape of every English villager's arch nemesis: the stealthy waterfowl from Untiled Goose Game.
19. A dish towel that clearly and succinctly lays out how to fold the cheese into your homemade enchiladas. You just fold it in, David!
20. A teensy cat massager ready to win you your cat's heart or claws. TikTok cats seem to like it, but we all know how fickle felines can be.
21. A lil' dumpling light to illuminate your midnight runs to the kitchen. Don't worry, he promises not to tell on you when you finish off the rest of your roommate's pizza.
22. A puffer jacket for your artisanal double IPA which was fermented in a painfully trendy Portland craft brewery and is absolutely worth the $14 you paid for a single can.
23. An epic shower curtain that shows the natural animal hierarchy at play. Let's hope my cats never come across a trident!
24. A retro iMac stand for your brand spankin' new Apple watch 'cause the '90s are back, baby, and you're suddenly nostalgic for your first desktop computer.
25. A shrimp-shaped travel pillow that will be ready and waiting in the wings for your next big trip (just T-minus two or three years from now...).
26. A potato with your friend's face on it! Yes, seriously. You can send them an anonymous spud with your choice of sweet or ~ominous~ note.
27. An under-desk foot hammock so you can kick your WFH setup into overdrive. Look, if you're not gonna have access to 24/7 free snacks, you need something to look forward to.
28. A teensy tiny vacuum (with a legit 5-foot cord) so you can suck up all the chip crumbs on your bed before you crawl in for the night. Dorito dust begone!
29. A Baby Yoda speaker because baby. freaking. Yoda. 🥺Yes, he's tiny, but reviewers say he's also surprisingly powerful.
30. A peep hole frame — a la Friends —that could only be made better if it came with Monica's entire apartment.
31. A set of acorn string lights because the cottagecore TikTok trend may be over, but you're still deep in the throes of transforming your wardrobe and space.
32. A sequined pillow cover that, when brushed with the back of a hand, will reveal Dwight Schrute with the face he stole from a first aid dummy. Nothing to see here!
33. And a chonky seal pillow – it won't judge you when you wake up at 1 p.m. and then climb back into bed with your leftover Dominos.
Some reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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