To whom it may concern,
As many of you know, be it those living in Ohio or the Northeast, this winter has been longer than…expected. We all anticipated a nice, early spring. Believe me, I was excited for it as well. Planned many picnics, bought my new Spring clothes. Then came the first day of Spring. It was cold in most parts but hey, Spring can be crisp. And then the worse day of my life came, the second day of Spring: snow set in. Now weeks later, as cold has not given up its hold on so much of the United States, I have received countless death threats, even been spit upon in the Supermarket. It hurts but I know I have to groundhog up and admit it: I messed up. OK. I said it, I messed up and I am so very, regretfully sorry.
I must now seek legal counsel because I am being sued by non-other than Ohio prosecutor Mike Gmoser. Where is a groundhog, even one as famous as I, supposed to seek appropriate counsel? I was among the simple folk just a month ago and now. Now, I am being threatened out of house and home. Nowhere to turn but here, to plea my story and hope for just a smidgen of sympathy.
I’m just going to lay it out there: my job is hard. You humans have gadgets and gizmos and hoozawhatzits that predict your weather and what do I have? My nose and some crappy eye-sight. So, I didn’t see my shadow this year. I HAD BEEN UNDERGROUND WITHOUT LIGHT! EVERYTHING LOOKED LIKED SHADOWS! I had to go off of the temperature and it was brisk! I did the best I could with the ability I possess. Now, some of you may be saying I should have retired, known it was my time to let go of the reins and we could have avoided this whole fiasco. But have you seen the economy out there? My retirement package does not kick in for another 3 years and could you really live with yourself knowing that good ol’ Punxy was going the rest of his years without health insurance? I have arthritis and my dear wife, the lovely Linda, just got diagnosed with the Shingles. Couple that with two grandchildren in college? Retirement was simply not an option.
Furthermore, in this day and age, how is anyone to predict the weather? What, with Global Warming and such, it could be 10 degrees this Summer (for legal purposes, I have to state that this is not an assertion but rather, hyperbole as an example of ridiculous, unpredictable climate changes). You get my point. This job was tough and it just got tougher.
In conclusion, I just want to let you, my constituents, my loved-ones, even my adversaries that I did not mean to cause such problems and distress in my misreading of the weather. I am not making an excuse, I’m just making a plea. If anyone has it in their hearts to provide or point me in the direction of affordable, perhaps free legal counsel, I would be much obliged.
I’m sure if you take a step back and think about it, you put your faith in a groundhog. Who’s really to blame?
Punxsutaney Phil: Leader, Father, Groundhog
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