One day, you wake up in the middle of a hungover, binge-eating haze and realise your body hates you, and things have got to change.
So, you've downloaded the MyFitnessPal app to help keep a food diary, manage your calories, and hopefully break some bad food habits.
These are the trials and tribulations only people who use MyFitnessPal will understand. It's an emotional, cheese-filled roller coaster.
1. When you sign up, you give the LEAST AMOUNT OF IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION POSSIBLE.
2. You go about your normal eating routine, and then suddenly realise where you may have been going wrong.
3. Things you once thought "weren't that bad" suddenly take up a third of your daily calories.
4. You learn that even medication has calories.
5. You quickly become hangry, obsessed with finding ways to have more calories available to you and your stomach.
6. You discover the simple concept of WORKING OUT – because that gives you more calories.
7. Your value system for measuring calories starts to change.
8. For example: "Wow, I have 755 calories left! I could get a Quarter Pounder with cheese and small fries!"
9. "If I eat this wrap for lunch, I'll have 1,080 calories left for dinner and could order a medium cheese pizza!"
10. It's hard to not make those dreaded numbers go RED, and when you look in your "recent" foods, the truth stares back at you.
11. You momentarily lose touch with reality, and wonder if lying to the app will help.
12. You come to realise that, in truth, you're not exactly being very healthy. And it's not exactly the point of why you're using this app. And then you cry.
13. Your breakfasts start to look kinda sad.
14. And so do your snacks.
15. But then this happens!
16. You no longer just "cook" or "sit down and eat" — you must LOG.
17. You must WEIGH it.
18. Your phone slowly fills up with photos like this.
19. And this.
20. And you're not above power walking around the block a few times just so you can have a damn piece of garlic bread with dinner.
"I NEED 134 MORE CALORIES GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY."
21. When you eat anywhere other than your home, it can get tricky to log all the things you've consumed.
22. "There's probably only, like, five calories in these, so I don't need to even add, right?"
23. But when restaurants do you a favour and put the damn calories on the menu, it makes logging your lunch 100% easier.
24. You start to feel like the app is JUDGING YOU and WATCHING SILENTLY.
26. At times, it's borderline needy.
27. And can really rain on your parade.
28. It's always devastating with the numbers turn red.
29. Made even worse when it THREATENS YOU with how much you'll weigh if "every day were like today".
30. Although, when the numbers say black, their weight projection could be quite satisfying.
31. When you're trying to scan the barcode of what you're eating at work and the damn flash on your phone turns on, giving you away.
"Um...I was just taking a picture of this granola bar...for Instagram purposes."
32. If you do add any friends on MyFitnessPal, you learn other people's "cheat days" look very different to yours.
33. When a fellow friend on MFP notices that your logged weight has actually gone up.
34. But also when a friend "likes" any progress you make.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING MY .03 kg WEIGHT LOSS IT REALLY MEANS A LOT.