6. 122 from The Honeybaked Ham Company
(Which reminds me that the last time I logged in, I wasn’t a vegetarian. So it’s been at least nine years)
P.S. - Would your mom still love you if you sent her ham for Mother’s Day?
7. I was also a valued customer of Hudson Trail, Roxy, and The New York Times
Way to go, past Cat, with your surfer chick, educated self!
P.S. - How sad to have pants as your best friend…
8. 195 from The University of Phoenix
Apparently, I’m a highly desirable candidate.
9. The rest of the emails fell into a few different categories:
10. Category 1: Drug Emails
These are among the ACNE IS BAD, SEX IS GOOD, variety. And tons of offers from Canadian pharmacies offering MEDICATIONS YOU NEED!
P.S. - I have no idea what the novella at the bottom has to do with drugs… except whoever wrote this email must have have been on them.
11. Category 2: Old People Emails
Information on retirement centers, exclusively for “awesome, active seniors,” and The Scooter Store.
P.S.- To be fair,, this is a solid marketing strategy, since they’re the only generation that still uses AOL.
12. Category 3: Parent-Related Emails
This includes weight loss emails, “Commit to Fit!” as well as fine gardening, “It’s time to outsmart weeds!” And, of course, scary parenting emails, ie: “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILD IS???”
14. Category 4: The Random Emails
-1 seriously overdue library book notice
-1 love confession. (He’s married now. Oh well.)
-1 Fedex Package notice. I’m confused but kind of excited to see if what’s-her-face is returning my mood ring she borrowed in 5th grade
16. The Plain Ole’ Sketchy Emails
-Get ca$h!!!! fa$t1!!! (Because we all know the more symbols you see, the more reliable the venture)
-Replica “Rolex” Watches (The quotes seem kind of unnecessary since you already told me it was fake)
-Dozens of charities that were clearly not aware of my 8th grade allowance
-Someone from middle school whose account has clearly been hacked (Blair G., you’ve been sending me spam for the past five years.)
17. And, messages from my mom, sent to the wrong email address
(Apparently, this is what she meant when she said “I sent you an email. You must not have checked it. Which is annoying, because in a way, she was right.)
P.S. -This one was obviously sent recently, since she SENT IT FROM HER iPAD.
P.S. #2 - “Mr Phone???”
In her defense, it was Halloween.
I would have taken her up on street bike, had I received this email BACK IN 2008! To quote Fergie, That was “so 2000 and late.”
20. And, an email from my brother…
21. Which must have been in reference to…
24. It’s been fun, AOL. Ok, fine. For old time’s sake…
- After the health care fail, it's unclear if Republicans and Trump will find consensus on other big ticket items.
- A viral Instagram post falsely claimed 14 black girls went missing over 24 hours in Washington, DC, but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Now lawmakers are taking action.
- People in the country Belarus took to the streets and opposed a "social parasites" tax on people who have been unemployed for six months.
- Heads up, Harry Potter fans. You can now get Butterbeer ice cream at your grocery store 🍦✨