What Happens When You Log Into Your Middle School AOL Account

Chances are, you haven’t logged into your AOL account since you were seen sporting a monogrammed backpack and Sketchers. Cattie572 is back in action.

1. The site no longer looks anything like:

3. Which means you are no longer greeted with a confirmation of your popularity : (

Not anymore!

4. Because they know that things have changed from…

5. I (Cattie572 ) found this very dissapointing, especially since I had 4,000 emails

6. 122 from The Honeybaked Ham Company

(Which reminds me that the last time I logged in, I wasn’t a vegetarian. So it’s been at least nine years)
P.S. - Would your mom still love you if you sent her ham for Mother’s Day?

7. I was also a valued customer of Hudson Trail, Roxy, and The New York Times

Way to go, past Cat, with your surfer chick, educated self!
P.S. - How sad to have pants as your best friend…

8. 195 from The University of Phoenix

Apparently, I’m a highly desirable candidate.

9. The rest of the emails fell into a few different categories:

10. Category 1: Drug Emails

These are among the ACNE IS BAD, SEX IS GOOD, variety. And tons of offers from Canadian pharmacies offering MEDICATIONS YOU NEED!

P.S. - I have no idea what the novella at the bottom has to do with drugs… except whoever wrote this email must have have been on them.

11. Category 2: Old People Emails

Information on retirement centers, exclusively for “awesome, active seniors,” and The Scooter Store.
P.S.- To be fair,, this is a solid marketing strategy, since they’re the only generation that still uses AOL.

12. Category 3: Parent-Related Emails

This includes weight loss emails, “Commit to Fit!” as well as fine gardening, “It’s time to outsmart weeds!” And, of course, scary parenting emails, ie: “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILD IS???”

13. And, reminders to order your personal letter from Santa!!!

He already emailed me. Why do I need a letter, too?

14. Category 4: The Random Emails

Also…
-1 seriously overdue library book notice

-1 love confession. (He’s married now. Oh well.)

-1 Fedex Package notice. I’m confused but kind of excited to see if what’s-her-face is returning my mood ring she borrowed in 5th grade

15. A whole lot of “Wow Deals from AOL”

They have own version of Groupon. Who knew?

16. The Plain Ole’ Sketchy Emails

-Get ca$h!!!! fa$t1!!! (Because we all know the more symbols you see, the more reliable the venture)

-Replica “Rolex” Watches (The quotes seem kind of unnecessary since you already told me it was fake)

-Dozens of charities that were clearly not aware of my 8th grade allowance

-Someone from middle school whose account has clearly been hacked (Blair G., you’ve been sending me spam for the past five years.)

17. And, messages from my mom, sent to the wrong email address

(Apparently, this is what she meant when she said “I sent you an email. You must not have checked it. Which is annoying, because in a way, she was right.)

P.S. -This one was obviously sent recently, since she SENT IT FROM HER iPAD.

P.S. #2 - “Mr Phone???”

In her defense, it was Halloween.

I would have taken her up on street bike, had I received this email BACK IN 2008! To quote Fergie, That was “so 2000 and late.”

20. And, an email from my brother…

21. Which must have been in reference to…

22. By the way, AOL, great job at catching 15 of these 4,301 emails as “spam.”

23. But since there didn’t seem to be anyone else on AIM…

It was time to go.

24. It’s been fun, AOL. Ok, fine. For old time’s sake…

Goodbye!

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