23 Cringey Stories That Will Make You Want To Turn Inside Out
"Once during sex, I used the term 'Twatwaffle'"
1. The new office blunder:
"I had just started a new job and was trying to bond with my new colleagues in the kitchen while on a tea break. So far, so good - that is, until I needed the milk for my brew. Rather than politely asking if I could borrow it, for a reason still unknown to myself I blurted out "MILK ME" and followed it with a nod in the direction of the milk, only making the situation creepier and more awkward."
— Zoë Barber, Facebook
2. The mortifying mistake:
"At work I told a little boy to not run with his arms in his shirt, then the dad told me he had no arms. I was mortified!"
3. The cringey cover-up:
"I showed up late to a Girl Scout meeting, and when I arrived they were doing an activity about cliques. I had never seen the word written down, so I said out loud 'But I don't know what a cliche is!' Everyone looked at me like I was an idiot until someone finally said '...it says clique'. Unable to admit my mistake and desperately wanting to save face, I couldn't just let it go and instead said 'Well, you can also spell cliche that way. It's an alternate spelling.' I think about it every couple of months and just relive the embarrassment all over again.'
— Amy Lamb, Facebook
4. The romantic confession:
"Mine was just at my corner shop buying wine. I hadn't drank yet so was completely sober and when the man handed me my change I meant to say 'lovely, thank you' but actually said 'love you'"
— Laura Dixon, Facebook
5. The awkward relation:
"So when I did DofE at school, one of the teachers was just a misery. Just nasty. So when I got back to school, I was talking with two of my friends and this one girl I didn't recognise was with them. I was talking about DofE and said, "Mr S is a horrible person!" and had a mini rant about him. When I finished, my two friends looked at each other, then at me, and then really nervously started giggling. The girl, it turned out, was Mr S' daughter."
— Henry McClintock, Facebook
6. The extremely embarrassing slip of the tongue:
"I was a server and I got tired of saying the same farewell to every table so I always tried to change it up. One time I'd settled the bill with two older gentlemen and I was trying to say 'Thanks for coming!' or 'Thanks for letting me serve you!' but nope. I said 'Thanks for letting me come!'. They both laughed and as I walked away to die I heard one say 'Well, you're welcome.' Forever the worst moment of my life."
7. The case of mistaken identity:
"I once walked up to my dad at a grocery store, held on to his arm, noticed he had apple juice and said "great, I love apple juice". This would have been fine if this guy was actually my dad. It was just some random that didn't tell the stranger on his arm to go away"
8. The pop culture disaster:
"One time me and my friends were talking about Britney Spears, because she is a goddess. So we start singing Toxic and one do them giggles and says 'leave Britney alone!!!!!' At the time I didn't know It was a video so I just responded with a very surprised and hurt tone 'Why? I LOVE Britney.' They laughed about it for two weeks."
9. The terrible translator:
"When I first moved to Spain, I asked for "una paja" with my drink. The barman looked slightly pleased with himself but he didn't get me the straw I thought I'd asked for. It turns out that straw in Spanish is "pajita" whereas I had asked for a wank. "
10. The awkward impression:
"I was waitressing and we had an Italian soup on as a special. I was trying to explain the soup and in the middle of the restaurant turned round and said in an Italian accent "like a mumma used to make". The couple did not find it in the slightest bit amusing and I had to avoid that table for the whole night!"
— Lucy Constable, Facebook
11. The misspoken word:
"Years ago, when I was introducing my friend's wife to my girlfriend, instead of saying, 'This is Joe's beautiful wife Cindy', I said, 'This is Joe's ugly wife Cindy' Could not believe it came out that way, and it still haunts me to this day."
12. The embarrassing innuendo
"I work at a supermarket, in the Floral department, which means we blow up balloons. And sometimes we lose them to the ceiling. So, we have a telescopic pole that we use to get them down. I made the mistake of telling my new store manager that I was 'really good at working the pole'. *GROAN* He laughed, though."
— Beth Frederick, Facebook
13. The effort to fit in:
"One time in the 6th grade, I was talking to my crush about music and he said 'I really like Panic At The Disco' I had no idea who they were at the time, and trying to impress him, I said 'wow yeah I really love that song'. He totally called me out on it. Let's say I never lie about liking things that I don't know."
14. The cringey compliment:
"Last year I had a little crush on one of my professors and I was in his office talking to him about my final paper a few days before the end of the semester. During the semester he was growing out his facial hair and all I could think about during our meeting was how nice he looked with a beard. I managed to make it through the meeting just fine but as we were leaving his office he complimented me on something (my shoes I think) and without even missing a beat I reply 'thanks, and you look great with that beard'. He thankfully wasn't too awkward about it and just kind of thanked me but I was completely and totally mortified. I'm not one of those people who befriends their professors and I'm fairly introverted so me saying this was very out of the blue and it felt so inappropriate."
15. The professional poop mishap:
"I was an IT in the Navy and we were transitioning over to civilian contracted networks so we had to setup everyone's ID cards to work as login credentials. We called them Smart Cards or CAC (common access card) cards. We pronounced them as 'cack cards'. I was in an office with one of our pilots (who happened to be smoking hot) helping him set up his card for use. When it came time to insert his card into the reader for initialization I said casually said 'Ok Sir, you can stick your CAC in now.' Now say that out loud. I've never wanted to fade into oblivion so much in my life."
—Sandra Navi Young, Facebook
16. The suggestive farewell:
"After weighing in at my slimming group I said I felt unwell so was going home to bed. I felt bad for leaving the group so said to the leader 'I'll be thinking of you in bed'. I could have died."
17. The marching band innuendo:
"So I was in marching band, and I had this HUGE crush on one of my fellow baritone players. My whole section and I were on the sidelines getting our instruments ready to run the show, when he says that it's hard to fit his mouthpiece in the bari because it's so tight. I look him dead in the eyes and (without even thinking) say, 'Yeah, but I have something even tighter.' My whole section was staring at me. To this day I cringe when I think about it."
18. The emergency room silence:
"I'm an EMT, in a hospital emergency room, trying to put an attachment onto my stretcher, I was crouched down with my partner, and said to him 'I can't get it in.' Of course, for once in my life, it was actually quiet in the ER and every single patient and staff member heard me. Everyone busted out laughing and of course I'm sitting there bright red still trying to 'get it in'.
19. The bizarre pillow talk:
"Once during sex, I used the term 'Twatwaffle' in between moans. It totally killed the mood."
— Josh Ott, Facebook
20. The necessary turn of phrase:
"I had just finished ordering inside a fast food restaurant and I saw the guy next to me struggling to get his wallet out of his pocket. I asked him, "do you need a hand?" And he turned towards me and he not only one hook hand but BOTH of his hands were hooks. I just looked at him horrified and walked away."
— Rebekah Wilson, Facebook
21. The cringey text conversation:
"When I was in seventh grade I really liked this guy but he had a girlfriend, so I text him and was like 'i like u' (it gets worse). Then he texted me saying 'ok i dont really like you back', and then, legit shit you not, I said 'we can fix that'."
22. The incredibly terrible interview answer:
"I just had a scholarship interview and they asked me about field hockey and I said I took a lot of balls in the face for the team. Stunned silence followed."
23. The impressively good, but a little creepy, memory:
"I went to this guy's flat, saw one of his T shirts lying around and said 'Oh that's the one you were wearing first time I saw you in May 2013."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.