1.
When go to you pull your jeans up but don’t know your own strength
2.
she is an influencer on youtube
3.
I love this dude because he's just like "IT'S A LIVING!"
4.
Me taking my birth control: And nowahh dehy strendth uhve da prrregnacy will beh stripeed awyah
5.
6.
When I hear “tickets and passes please” on the train and I have a ticket 😂😊.
7.
I am a girl I dont smoke, drink, or party I dont sleep around I eat 5,000 ticks per season I am immune to rabies I am north america's only marsupial YES, WE EXIST. https://t.co/93fW2T4wpv
8.
When you comfy and ya mom calls your name and you respond but she don’t say nothing after
9.
Looking at a man's bookshelf or collection of records or list of favourite movies like
10.
The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.
11.
therapist: so, what do you like to do with your friends? me: n-nothing, normal people activities me and my friends:
12.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I'm so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
13.
P...Paddington!?
14.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger's shoulder from behind them at an Arby's
15.
date: i had fun tonight me: me too me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face* me: that's how slugs kiss
16.
The egg don’t swim to the sperm bitch never chase a man
17.
Googly eyes add so much to dinosaur history
18.
men will literally nut 45 seconds into sex and have the audacity to ask if you came. yeah i came to the wrong house
19.
me: *looks at all the unread books in my room* me: *buys more books* me: *watches netflix*
20.
12 year old me after putting me and my crushes name into a love calculator app and finding out we’re only 17% compatible https://t.co/JVgNuz7Kkn
21.
imagine having sex and he says "say my name baby" but his name is gilbert
22.
I NEED TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE SAID I COULD SAVE MONEY BRINGIN LUNCH TO WORK ITS 9:43 I ATE THE LUNCH NOW I HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER LUNCH FOR LUNCH https://t.co/hKd6p2AaiA
23.
Am I the only one who charger look like this? (Excuse my feet btw)
24.
My boss overheard me calling my elbows “thirsty boys” while applying lotion and I was immediately let go
25.
As a woman, I just want the same rights as a rattlesnake.
26.
why is being alive so expensive. im not even having a good time
27.
nothing but respect for the best rock group of all time
28.
Wow thank you so much for letting me host tonight
29.
When you try to sing all the parts