31 Ways To Tell People To Fuck Off When They Ask You Why You’re Not Married Yet

Simply respond “Marriage? I’ve never heard of her” and walk away.

Maritsa Patrinos / BuzzFeed

1. You could reply “I ate my last spouse and I’m not that hungry right now”.

2. Or maybe just a simple “Ew, gross, no thanks” will do the job.

3. You could always tell them “I lost my left my last spouse on the bus and it was a whole rigmarole just to pick them up from lost and found so I’d rather not go through that again.”

4. If you wanted to be really mean you could always say “I’ve not seen any proof that marriage is a successful institution” and then stare for a very long time at the person who asked you.

5. If you’re being asked why you haven’t yet found a partner tell them that as a lizard person this is the lowest on your list of priorities, instead you are prioritising world domination.

6. Simply respond “Marriage? I’ve never heard of her” and walk away.

7. You should summon up the biggest burp possible and then release it into the person’s face, then say “That’s why”.

8. Try wearing a sign saying “Don’t ask me why I’m not married”.

9. And if that sign blows off in the wind then just go fully for it and get that tattooed on you.

10. If you’re feeling dramatic then you could always hire a barbershop quartet to sing “It’s none of your business” in a perfect four-part harmony.

11. Alternatively, you could make up your own rap about how marriage isn’t something you want right now, or maybe not ever.

12. Or if you really want to make people uncomfortable you can never go wrong with an incredibly emotional slam poem about these invasive questions.

13. Try replying “Thanks for your offer but I don’t really see you like that”.

14. Or alternatively, you could say “Omg omg I can’t believe you finally proposed, ahhh I shall get planning the wedding right away!” and run off leaving them in bewilderment.

15. You could freak them out by saying “I do have a spouse, they’re right here.” and gesture towards absolutely nothing. You should then spend the rest of the day talking to thin air just to unsettle them.

16. You could tell them how you’ve not been the same since Bear In The Big Blue House stopped airing and you no longer get to see Bear and Luna The Moon together so you really couldn’t care less about marriage.

17. Maybe you could tell them that since Hilary Duff and Aaron Carter broke up you don’t believe in love.

18. Tell them you have fleas and you’re protective of them so wouldn’t want to pass them on to your spouse.

19. Have you tried pretending you can’t hear them?

20. Tell them “It’s not what Po from the Teletubbies would want” and just leave it at that.

21. Just break down in hysterical crying, hopefully the situation will be so awkward that they never ask you again.

22. Tell them that you can’t get into a romantic union until Boss Baby rightfully wins an Oscar.

23. As a last resort you could always go “Look over there!” and then run away.

24. If you have the time you could always train a giant bird to swoop down and take away anyone who asks you when you’re going to get married.

25. Have you tried magic yet? It might be worth casting a spell on them to take away their tongue before they even approach you.

26. Just reply “When are YOU getting married, Karen?” even if their name isn’t Karen.

27. Tell them you are married to the music and then moonwalk away.

28. Or tell them you will get married when the government finally admits that aliens are amongst us and go on and on about conspiracy theories until they leave.

29. If you’re into taking an earnest route around the question you could just remind them that not everyone wants to get married.

30. And that asking that question is considered very rude for a whole number of reasons.

31. Or you could just tell them to fuck off.