38 Things I, An Adult, Shouldn’t Be Scared Of But Still Am
Sharks getting into the swimming pool is still a huge concern.
1. You still believe that there is a monster that will drag you out of your bed and down the stairs when you’re sleeping, but only if you stick your bare foot out of the quilt.
2. You’re really scared one of your friends is a secret robot but that you will never know which one.
3. You think that there is a small possibility that you are on a TV show, exactly like The Truman Show.
4. You’re worried that the toys in toy shops are planning a secret revolt.
5. You think that the aliens from Signs will probably come and get you one day.
6. You still think that your shadow might move at any moment and detach itself from you.
7. And you’re scared it will run away and tell everyone all of the embarrassing things that you’ve done in your life, and hold press meetings about that time you had diarrhoea at work.
8. You’re worried your Furby will come after you for neglecting it for years.
9. You’re scared that you might accidentally get pregnant from a toilet seat, even though you know that that is so very, very unlikely.
10. You’re scared that the BFG will come take you for an adventure when you’re sleeping but you won’t be in cute pyjamas.
11. Sometimes you remember that gum that you swallowed as a kid and still wonder whether it will have repercussions.
12. You’re worried that your eyes might actually go square from watching TV and then makeup tutorials won’t work for you any more.
13. You’re worried you have a secret evil twin somewhere who will lock you away and steal your identity.
14. You get scared you might die whenever you eat something one day over its sell-by date.
15. You’re still pretty terrified of Rumpelstiltskin and having to name your firstborn child after him.
16. You’re scared of falling in quicksand.
17. And you’re scared it will be lethal because you’ve had no quicksand training and don’t know the proper technique to get out of it.
18. You’re afraid of air vents and the creatures that crawl out of them when you’re not looking.
19. You’re scared you’ll be put in prison for accidentally stealing that one thing years ago.
20. You’re scared you stepped on too many cracks and your mum will break her back and never forgive you.
21. You’re really terrified of being sucked into a black hole.
22. You’re scared you’ll wish to be invisible for a day and that it will come true but it won’t happen for just a day and you’ll be invisible forever.
23. You live in fear that your cat remembers that time that you stepped on its tail seven years ago and has been plotting its revenge since.
24. You’re scared of being cursed by a witch.
25. And you’re acutely aware of poison apples.
26. You’re worried that you’ll be locked away in a tower one day for whatever reason, and you’ll have to rely on a man to free you. Ugh.
27. You’re scared that the little whirlpool that happens when you drain the bath will wash you away down the plug hole.
28. You’re quite scared of wolves, even though you never see any casually and you’ve never had any beef with any.
29. And you’re also afraid that if a wolf were to dress up as your nan that you wouldn’t know the difference and it would result in you being eaten by the wolf.
30. You’re worried someone in your family is a spy and has never told you but you could still end up in grave danger just by knowing them.
31. You’re still afraid of the dark.
32. Every time you get shampoo in your eyes you still get scared that you may never see again, despite this not being the case the last 39,743 times.
33. You’re scared that Victorian ghosts are mad at you for something you have no control over.
34. You’re scared that there are people who can secretly read minds and they know about all the embarrassing and terrible things you’ve thought about in your life, and that one of those mind readers is your boss or the person you’re on a date with.
35. You’re still terrified that a shark could get into your pool.
36. And that a giant lizard could make its way up through your toilet and into you home.
37. In fact, you’re still kind of convinced that you could fall down the toilet.
38. Mainly, though, you’re just scared of growing up.