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33 Tweets That Are So Funny You'll Wish You Wrote Them

"Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off."

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every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby

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what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day

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Me: I think my computer's broken Boss: just give it to the IT guy Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

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The rest of the day after someone calls you cute

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sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild

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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llaā€¦ https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My

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Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.

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[restaurant owners meeting] "we should start asking customers if they've been here before" why though? "absolutely no reason at all" ok deal

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while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions

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Me thinking about a joke I told last week

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Chocolate digestives are the unsung hero of the biscuit world, no in it for the fame, just keeps its heed down and does the job

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Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)

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TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all

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I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens.

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[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

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Two Ex-Googlers Want To Replace Your Local Ice Cream Parlor With A Shrieking Void That Uses Your Fears As Training Data

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things have been kinda weird since i moved in with a twitter porn bot

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if my dick small, that's our business. don't bring it up while we play monopoly with my mom, its not my fault you can't manage your money

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.

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Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning

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Imagine trying some boots on in topshop and turn round to see a lady walking up and down in YOUR sandles..FUMINGšŸ˜·

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stephen king when he found out millennials wanna fuck a killer clown he created initially for people to fear:

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she wears HIGH HEELS i breed BEAVERS she's cheer captain and i've got all these BEAVERS