BuzzĀ·Posted on 19 Sept 201733 Tweets That Are So Funny You'll Wish You Wrote Them"Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off."by Cassie SmythBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. dÄ«(É)ltÅn @lilghosthands every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby 02:02 PM - 10 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Lex Croucher @lexcanroar what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day 08:45 PM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Bear Knee Sanders @LeBearGirdle Me: I think my computer's broken Boss: just give it to the IT guy Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck 02:09 AM - 18 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. 5. 6. Booferoni Pizza @Mala_Moot The rest of the day after someone calls you cute 11:20 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. saz @MANARAxx sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild 07:42 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llaā¦ https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My 05:48 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. š³ļøāš Warden āØ @brilokuloj when someone RTs the tweet you tagged them in 10:49 PM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Joshua Stephenson @G_Joshhh Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off. 03:16 PM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. šø @oscarewilde Brƶther may i have a Tƶwel 04:04 PM - 07 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. k e i t h š¤š„ @KeetPotato [restaurant owners meeting] "we should start asking customers if they've been here before" why though? "absolutely no reason at all" ok deal 11:03 AM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. pierre menard @PierreMenard while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions 01:52 AM - 14 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. anna @nutellaANDpizza Me thinking about a joke I told last week 06:14 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Luke Fleming @LukeFleming10 Chocolate digestives are the unsung hero of the biscuit world, no in it for the fame, just keeps its heed down and does the job 08:25 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Deirdre @figgled Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup) 01:59 AM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Spooky Dogfriend @GrrlGhost TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all 10:38 AM - 09 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Mike Recine @mikerecine I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. 05:25 PM - 29 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Frank Whitehouse @WheelTod [Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot." 02:01 PM - 03 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Kevin Twohy @kevintwohy Two Ex-Googlers Want To Replace Your Local Ice Cream Parlor With A Shrieking Void That Uses Your Fears As Training Data 11:36 PM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. 22. goth turtle @dubstep4dads things have been kinda weird since i moved in with a twitter porn bot 09:36 PM - 26 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Big Uzi Vert @BlvckGrip if my dick small, that's our business. don't bring it up while we play monopoly with my mom, its not my fault you can't manage your money 08:00 PM - 09 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Karrrrrrrrrloskarrrr @techoglot "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars. 09:58 PM - 17 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. im @booboothefooI R.I.P my moms vagina 06:48 PM - 13 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. 27. a pumpkin spicy boi @syrianbryn Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning 03:25 AM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. 29. Becs @becca_green_ Imagine trying some boots on in topshop and turn round to see a lady walking up and down in YOUR sandles..FUMINGš· 01:44 PM - 16 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Dick Derpin š¹ @centrismsucks I have several questions. 03:37 AM - 11 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. 32. mir @skarsgart stephen king when he found out millennials wanna fuck a killer clown he created initially for people to fear: 04:18 PM - 16 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. future BacheloretteĀ @squierzz she wears HIGH HEELS i breed BEAVERS she's cheer captain and i've got all these BEAVERS 01:50 AM - 26 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite