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33 Tweets That Are So Funny You'll Wish You Wrote Them

"Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off."

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1.

every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby

2.

what's up with this dramatic movie poster font choice. how many did he kill on his first day

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3.

Me: I think my computer's broken Boss: just give it to the IT guy Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

6.

The rest of the day after someone calls you cute

7.

sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild

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8.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My

9.

when someone RTs the tweet you tagged them in

10.

Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.

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[restaurant owners meeting] "we should start asking customers if they've been here before" why though? "absolutely no reason at all" ok deal

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13.

while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions

14.

Me thinking about a joke I told last week

15.

Chocolate digestives are the unsung hero of the biscuit world, no in it for the fame, just keeps its heed down and does the job

16.

Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)

17.

TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all

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18.

I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens.

19.

[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

20.

Two Ex-Googlers Want To Replace Your Local Ice Cream Parlor With A Shrieking Void That Uses Your Fears As Training Data

22.

things have been kinda weird since i moved in with a twitter porn bot

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23.

if my dick small, that's our business. don't bring it up while we play monopoly with my mom, its not my fault you can't manage your money

24.

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.

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27.

Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning

29.

Imagine trying some boots on in topshop and turn round to see a lady walking up and down in YOUR sandles..FUMING😷

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32.

stephen king when he found out millennials wanna fuck a killer clown he created initially for people to fear:

33.

she wears HIGH HEELS i breed BEAVERS she's cheer captain and i've got all these BEAVERS

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