1.
this has done me in for some reason
2.
Michelangelo had NO reason to give God a thick juicy ass, but he did. He did that for all of us.
3.
£3 a month has been coming out my bank for months n I only just realised I adopted a jaguar called Jev on New Year's Eve while I was fucked
4.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn't available until next week.
5.
my lil cousin decided to try on his halloween costume today and..... ima just leave this here
6.
Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd
7.
@imteddybless my year 8 boyfriend broke up with me because I liked mcfly too much does that count
8.
During the chase a man in the cinema told Paddington to “run, you cunt”
9.
Lmaooo 💀😂 my professor really brought a mf coffin to class to say “yall test scores had me dead”
10.
Gott in yeaterday spilt a fulllllllllllll! Tub of pasta on the floor, stupid stupidd stupidddddd boy smelly pasta house
11.
Just bought Closer magazine for no reason other than to find out more about this story
12.
I work in an animation studio with some of the best artists I’ve ever met and this is the pumpkin that won our carv… https://t.co/5rgv1hUDSF
13.
Guys my mom just tucked my dog in for his afternoon nap and I am dying
14.
Just came across a dude on Tinder who described himself as "Times New Roman in the streets, Wingdings in the sheets… https://t.co/swIFZwBCen
15.
ok so I got pulled over on my way home from makeup class...
16.
changed my driving instructor and I’ve just gone through a break with the old one🤦🏽♀️
17.
This bumper sticker threw me for a loop yesterday
18.
i have a really odd talent. i can smell when someone has cavaties! i have never been wrong yet! they dont even have 2 be super close by me
19.
my mom asked me for a pic of ed sheeran and i tried to be funny and i edited it i didnt know she was gonna frame it… https://t.co/hjxeapKCI0
20.
this is my 1st time babysitting & idk where i went wrong but my niece is currently asleep on her head do i call th… https://t.co/3mvNwdtOk7
21.
IT'S CALLED *ROOMMATES* YOU INVENTED ***ROOMMATES***
22.
all because I said no to bingo night
23.
My roommate eats fruit really weird
24.
Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.
25.
I was high and this looked like the fish from spongebob
26.
I always thought this was called chester drawers...and didn't realize it was chest of drawers until recently.… https://t.co/iwyD1itcsZ
27.
I CANT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME IM SCREAMING
28.
Deadass spent 2 hours doing project on Youth in Asia then find out it's supposed to be on Euthanasia. Summer wya 😭
29.
If you can have soup in a bread bowl there's absolutely no reason why you can't have a hot tub in a bigger bread bowl.
30.
walking into my room and throwing my cup of tea on the bed instead of my phone just sums my life up really
31.
Today in repulsive Scottish news, a Dunblane butcher has created a sausage baby in honour of Andy Murray's second c… https://t.co/tH3IZ1Godk