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Russian TMNT Comics

Celtic warriors? Mutant donuts? April is a stripper?! That's just part of the fun with the Russian Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Contains covers and issue synopsis! (via Bite).

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  • 1. Michelangelo vs. The Dinosaurs

    We all know why the dinosaurs went extinct: They got their asses kicked! In this issue, Michelangelo is flung back in time, as he was fooling around with Donatello’s latest invention, a time machine. Once there, he finds himself face-to-face with hungry, flesh-eating tyrannosauruses, and fights them off. Eventually, he comes across pre-historic man (the writers of this comic were Creationists) and helps them invent nunchuks. Near the end of the issue, a time portal rips open, and Mikey makes the leap of faith, sending him who knows where. This kicks off a three-issue series of time travel adventures for the turtles.

  • 2. TMNT vs. Evil Donuts

    In the second chapter of the saga, the rest of the turtles decide to go find their brother by using Donnie’s time machine. Unfortunately, they type in AD instead of BC, and end up flung far into the future, where evil, mutant baked goods have conquered the Earth (the mutation was caused by the same ooze that turned the turtles into what they are). The cover shows the turtles engaged in battle with a mutant donut, but they also battle giant bran muffins, an acid-spewing danish, and a knife-wielding baklava. They are assisted, however, by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Croissants, who believe in peace and justice for all. The issue ends with the three brothers returning to their sewer lair of the future, which has been ravaged from time, and using the time machine to rescue Michelangelo (there’s an ominous scene where the turtles come across their skeletal remains). Unfortunately, the time machine malfunctions, and sends the turtles to an unknown point in history.

  • 3. TMNT Meet Celtic Warriors

    In the final chapter, Michelangelo is reunited with his brothers in the Middle Ages, where they come across a group of traveling, Celtic warriors, who treat them to tales of adventure, and tall glasses of milk (seriously, look in Donatello’s hand… if that is supposed to be Donatello). It’s a merry old time, until the Turtles are sucked through a time-hole and brought back home. But wait, a question still remains: How did the time portals suddenly open up out of nowhere? Donatello fears his machine may have caused rips throughout the fabric of time, and thus portals would randomly pop up. The final panel shows the turtles in modern day New York, surrounded by different villainous people and creatures from throughout time, including a mammoth, pirates, and Abraham Lincoln (this was a Russian comic after all).

  • 4. April Gets A New Job

    This is a one-shot, spin-off issue featuring April O’Neil. April is fired from her news anchor job when she refuses to do a report on a teen murder case, which suggests that “a masked vigilante”, i.e. Casey Jones, is the prime suspect. Casey himself has gone on a mission of vengeance, as he hunts down the true killer, the person Casey was trying to defend the teen from in the first place. Feeling alone and out-of-sorts, April heads to a local bar, which is actually a strip club, where she is offered a job by the manager/bartender. April accepts, convincing herself that “it’s only temporary… until I get back on my feet”. Days turn to weeks, and weeks to months, and April has yet to hear word from Casey in a long time. Her worrying causes her to lose sleep, and her fellow dancers offer her sleeping pills, which she becomes addicted to. More time passes, until the night Casey returns home. The door to April’s apartment opens, and we see Jones, stained in blood, standing in the doorway. However, he sees April lying on the floor, pills in one hand, and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. Knowing the cops may still be looking for him, Casey drops April off in the emergency waiting room with a sticky-note stuck to her head that reads “Help”. The last panel is a shot of Casey Jones, cricket bat in hand, standing in front of the Jack Daniels facility ready to cause some chaos.